Topic: MinichanficFanfic Unofficial Fanfic: Meanwhile in England
Anonymous A started this discussion 6 years ago #91,170
Prologue
Svet slapped down that morning's copy of the Express on his table in disgust. Boris Johnson glared impotently from the front page, alongside the caption "EU've got to be kidding me!". He was very angry that Brexit had been delayed until January 2020.
"I'm very angry that we don't have no deal", said Svet.
"I think my prices are fair enough, given the economic climate", replied to4str, "I guess I can throw in a bit of ket as well as your usual, though. Just for you, and don't tell anybody or else I'll have to blind you."
Svet chuckled at the fond memory he had of the time to4str blinded his six-year-old brother because he was going to tell his mum that he had been molesting him. Then he turned serious.
"Svetlana!", he yelled. "Svetlana, bring me the fucking money from underneath my mattress!"
"But darlings", replied a voice from the cupboard, "You have to promised me that this money would be save for rainy day, not spendings on more cocaine."
"Haven't you read the news? Parliament is getting shut down soon and the rule of law will be each man fends for himself. So if you don't do what I say, I'll deliver you to the mob and have you hanged for being a mucky European", said Svet. He snorted a line of cocaine from his breakfast plate. "Ooh, that's good stuff. Where do you get it from?"
"I know some guys who know some guys who enslave some children", replied to4str.
Suddenly, Svetlana walked into the room dragging a heavy suitcase with a grunge-themed Union Flag motif.
"Here you be going, darlings", said Svetlana, dropping the suitcase onto the table with a loud ~THUNK~. Svet opened the lid, and with a small smile span the suitcase around for to4str to see. £300,000 in shiny £1 coins were neatly stacked inside the suitcase. The golden light from the pound coins lit up to4str's face, dazzling and amazing him.
"Have you ever wondered why I've been saying my flat is worth 300k, even though it's falling to bits and in the shittiest part of the country?", said Svet. "Now you know."
"Then it looks like no deal is off the table", said to4str, who gently lifted from inside his anus a big bag of cocaine. "Premium stuff, usual weight, and there's more where that came from being delivered to your specified location in two days time in return for the agreed on amount, payable on delivery. You know," said to4str carefully, "I know you're a drug fiend and all, but you don't normally buy this much in one go. What are you up to?"
"Let's just say," said Svet with a grin, "that before we leave Europe, Britain's going to have a white Christmas."
The two men chuckled and backslapped as the sun rose gracefully over the London skyline.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
Svet slapped down that morning's copy of the Express on his table in disgust. Boris Johnson glared impotently from the front page, alongside the caption "EU've got to be kidding me!". He was very angry that Brexit had been delayed until January 2020.
"I'm very angry that we don't have no deal", said Svet.
"I think my prices are fair enough, given the economic climate", replied to4str, "I guess I can throw in a bit of ket as well as your usual, though. Just for you, and don't tell anybody or else I'll have to blind you."
Svet chuckled at the fond memory he had of the time to4str blinded his six-year-old brother because he was going to tell his mum that he had been molesting him. Then he turned serious.
"Svetlana!", he yelled. "Svetlana, bring me the fucking money from underneath my mattress!"
"But darlings", replied a voice from the cupboard, "You have to promised me that this money would be save for rainy day, not spendings on more cocaine."
"Haven't you read the news? Parliament is getting shut down soon and the rule of law will be each man fends for himself. So if you don't do what I say, I'll deliver you to the mob and have you hanged for being a mucky European", said Svet. He snorted a line of cocaine from his breakfast plate. "Ooh, that's good stuff. Where do you get it from?"
"I know some guys who know some guys who enslave some children", replied to4str.
Suddenly, Svetlana walked into the room dragging a heavy suitcase with a grunge-themed Union Flag motif.
"Here you be going, darlings", said Svetlana, dropping the suitcase onto the table with a loud ~THUNK~. Svet opened the lid, and with a small smile span the suitcase around for to4str to see. £300,000 in shiny £1 coins were neatly stacked inside the suitcase. The golden light from the pound coins lit up to4str's face, dazzling and amazing him.
"Have you ever wondered why I've been saying my flat is worth 300k, even though it's falling to bits and in the shittiest part of the country?", said Svet. "Now you know."
"Then it looks like no deal is off the table", said to4str, who gently lifted from inside his anus a big bag of cocaine. "Premium stuff, usual weight, and there's more where that came from being delivered to your specified location in two days time in return for the agreed on amount, payable on delivery. You know," said to4str carefully, "I know you're a drug fiend and all, but you don't normally buy this much in one go. What are you up to?"
"Let's just say," said Svet with a grin, "that before we leave Europe, Britain's going to have a white Christmas."
The two men chuckled and backslapped as the sun rose gracefully over the London skyline.
[TO BE CONTINUED]
Killer Lettuce? !HonkUK.BIE joined in and replied with this 6 years ago, 49 minutes later[^] [v] #1,037,404
I had a jolly good chuckle over this. This is just classic Svet and to4str.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 years ago, 12 hours later, 13 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,573
Chapter One
Tteh and Killer Lettuce were hard at work. It was the 5th anniversary of Green's sobriety, and there was going to be a surprise party in his flat.
"lets hide", said Tteh, "for I hear Green walking towards his door!"
Green walked into his flat. Years of sobriety had changed him. His skin was clear, his hair was combed, his paunch had tightened up into a stiff washboard abdomen and his balls were being regularly washed. Killer Lettuce looked at Green admiringly, then leapt out of the cupboard at the same time Tteh jumped up from behind the settee.
"Surprise!", they yelled. "Happy 5th year sober Green!"
Green was very flattered and happy to have been recognised in such a lovely manner. He cast his gaze around his flat, to the finger food buffet, the banners and balloons, and the...
"Wow, you hired a DJ?" shouted Green.
"That's right, special guy", said a voice. Slowly rising from up behind the DJ station was none other than Deadmau5.
"It wasn't easy to hire Deadmau5, but you're worth it, Green!" said Tteh. "We've invited all the britishers to come and party with you but it seems that most of them are running late or something."
"Who cares about a bunch of britfags lol", said Green. He went to the 1970s style portable dance square and began to boogy to the sick electronic beats of the mau5 in the hau5.
Suddenly, there was a tremendous explosion as the speaker set exploded. Tteh covered his face with his arms, but Killer Lettuce was too slow. Gore splattered over him like the world's worst bukkake.
"Deadmau5!", they cried. Tteh was distraught. How were they going to explain this to his manager?
They heard the sound of choking amongst the devastation, and saw Green crawl out from the wreckage. They were happy to see him, but Killer Lettuce screamed when he saw that there was nothing below his torso.
Tteh cradled Green's head as Killer Lettuce desperately dug through the detritus to locate his legs. Green was whispering something, throat flooding with blood. Tteh leaned closer.
"What is it, Green? Talk to me bb" said Tteh.
"A... Avenge me..." choked Green.
"I will", swore Tteh. "I make a solemn oath that whoever did this will be brought to justice."
But Green was no longer there to hear the oath.
TO BE CONTINUED
Tteh and Killer Lettuce were hard at work. It was the 5th anniversary of Green's sobriety, and there was going to be a surprise party in his flat.
"lets hide", said Tteh, "for I hear Green walking towards his door!"
Green walked into his flat. Years of sobriety had changed him. His skin was clear, his hair was combed, his paunch had tightened up into a stiff washboard abdomen and his balls were being regularly washed. Killer Lettuce looked at Green admiringly, then leapt out of the cupboard at the same time Tteh jumped up from behind the settee.
"Surprise!", they yelled. "Happy 5th year sober Green!"
Green was very flattered and happy to have been recognised in such a lovely manner. He cast his gaze around his flat, to the finger food buffet, the banners and balloons, and the...
"Wow, you hired a DJ?" shouted Green.
"That's right, special guy", said a voice. Slowly rising from up behind the DJ station was none other than Deadmau5.
"It wasn't easy to hire Deadmau5, but you're worth it, Green!" said Tteh. "We've invited all the britishers to come and party with you but it seems that most of them are running late or something."
"Who cares about a bunch of britfags lol", said Green. He went to the 1970s style portable dance square and began to boogy to the sick electronic beats of the mau5 in the hau5.
Suddenly, there was a tremendous explosion as the speaker set exploded. Tteh covered his face with his arms, but Killer Lettuce was too slow. Gore splattered over him like the world's worst bukkake.
"Deadmau5!", they cried. Tteh was distraught. How were they going to explain this to his manager?
They heard the sound of choking amongst the devastation, and saw Green crawl out from the wreckage. They were happy to see him, but Killer Lettuce screamed when he saw that there was nothing below his torso.
Tteh cradled Green's head as Killer Lettuce desperately dug through the detritus to locate his legs. Green was whispering something, throat flooding with blood. Tteh leaned closer.
"What is it, Green? Talk to me bb" said Tteh.
"A... Avenge me..." choked Green.
"I will", swore Tteh. "I make a solemn oath that whoever did this will be brought to justice."
But Green was no longer there to hear the oath.
TO BE CONTINUED
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 6 years ago, 3 hours later, 17 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,588
Tteh and Killer Lettuce mournfully exited the building in a controlled and safe manner. They were devestated by the loss of Green and Deadmau5.
"The only silver lining", pondered Killer Lettuce, "is that in a post-Grenfell society, Tower blocks are built to withstand fires and explosions, so nobody else got hurt."
"Yes, that is truly a blessing", agreed Tteh. "Thank goodness the government acted so quickly to rectify the problem of cheap flammable cladding on tower blocks after the Grenfell disaster. It would have been terrible had they merely said they were going to do something and then didn't."
They exited the building and politely waited amongst the milling crowd for the firefighters, paramedics and police community support officers to arrive on the scene.
Fifty minutes passed. Tteh watched with a stony face as the PCSO walked out of the entrance and shrugged to the firefighter on scene. The two corpses were wheeled out inside single-use plastic body bags and loaded into the ambulance to be taken away to the morgue.
"Just as I thought", fumed Tteh. "The coppers don't have a clue."
"We need to find out whom done this!" cried Killer Lettuce. "You swore a holy oath to him in front of a witness to do so!"
"Yes, it is binding according to the law" said Tteh. "But we can't do anything standing outside here. We need information."
"Who might know anything about who did this?" asked Killer Lettuce.
"I know a person. An information broker, who lives in deepest darkest Yorkshire."
"What!" cried Killer Lettuce, "I don't want to go to the North! They all look deformed, and talk funny, and all they have is Greggs the Bakers and Poundbakery so my pasty powers won't work at full efficiency..."
"Nevertheless," intoned Tteh, "we must go. The person we seek won't come to the south. I tried once but he started ranting about how its too flat and how the house of Wessex never answered for their crimes."
"You mean..."
"That's right. We need to speak to Ash Ketchup."
"The only silver lining", pondered Killer Lettuce, "is that in a post-Grenfell society, Tower blocks are built to withstand fires and explosions, so nobody else got hurt."
"Yes, that is truly a blessing", agreed Tteh. "Thank goodness the government acted so quickly to rectify the problem of cheap flammable cladding on tower blocks after the Grenfell disaster. It would have been terrible had they merely said they were going to do something and then didn't."
They exited the building and politely waited amongst the milling crowd for the firefighters, paramedics and police community support officers to arrive on the scene.
Fifty minutes passed. Tteh watched with a stony face as the PCSO walked out of the entrance and shrugged to the firefighter on scene. The two corpses were wheeled out inside single-use plastic body bags and loaded into the ambulance to be taken away to the morgue.
"Just as I thought", fumed Tteh. "The coppers don't have a clue."
"We need to find out whom done this!" cried Killer Lettuce. "You swore a holy oath to him in front of a witness to do so!"
"Yes, it is binding according to the law" said Tteh. "But we can't do anything standing outside here. We need information."
"Who might know anything about who did this?" asked Killer Lettuce.
"I know a person. An information broker, who lives in deepest darkest Yorkshire."
"What!" cried Killer Lettuce, "I don't want to go to the North! They all look deformed, and talk funny, and all they have is Greggs the Bakers and Poundbakery so my pasty powers won't work at full efficiency..."
"Nevertheless," intoned Tteh, "we must go. The person we seek won't come to the south. I tried once but he started ranting about how its too flat and how the house of Wessex never answered for their crimes."
"You mean..."
"That's right. We need to speak to Ash Ketchup."
(Edited 1 minute later.)
Anonymous A (OP) triple-posted this 6 years ago, 4 hours later, 21 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,613
Chapter Two
Thunder cracked across the slate-coloured sky. It had begun raining shortly after exiting the Watford Gap, and had only increased in ferocity as they travelled further north.
Killer Lettuce stared glumly out of the train window. He had not wanted to come to this desolate part of the nation, and yet he had no choice but to do so in order to avenge his fallen comrade, Green.
"Tea, coffee, chocolates, snacks!", cried the drinks trolley salesmen. Killer Lettuce bought a cup of tea, and Tteh bought a cup of coffee. Both of them went undrank, their dishwater contents congealing in the sad white polystyrene cup.
They alighted at Leeds Central Station. The brutalist 1960s cement architecture instantly reminded them where they were, depressing them with great effect.
"He lives in a council estate in this general vicinity", said Tteh. "We shall have to get an Arriva Yorkshire bus."
"How awful", replied Killer Lettuce.
After some time they arrived at the council estate. Gangs of hooded scruffs glared at Tteh as he got off, making him feel self conscious and his lithe body feel vulnerable.
"Here it is", said Tteh outside a whitewashed 1930s-style semi-detached. He knocked on the door with his foot so as not to touch the door, which was covered in some kind of black fungus.
"Who is it?" A gruff voice answered at the other side.
"Its Tobi", replied Tteh. "The beacons are lit and we are calling for your aid."
There was a slight pause on the other side, followed by the sound of many bolts and chains unlocking. The door swung open. A corpulent figure stood on the other side. He was wearing a string vest and shorts. His bloodstained eyes surveyed the duo outside, nicotine-stained fingers flicking cigarette ash onto the carpet.
"You'd best come in", said the man.
"Are you Ash?" asked Killer Lettuce nervously.
"No. I'm his butler, Worcestershire. Ash is in the room he rents downstairs. It must be important if you've come oop norf. Those are the actions of desperate men. Come on, I'll take you to him."
They entered the house, politely declining the cups of tea offered to them. He led them to a downward staircase, at the bottom of which was a plain white wooden door.
" Gentlemen", said Worcestershire, bidding them farewell. "If you need me, please simply ring the butler bell." He pushed a small button on the wall and the sound of a bell rang clearly though the house.
"Thank you", said Tteh. "We shall do just that." He walked down the stairs, Killer Lettuce following in his wake, and gently knocked on the wooden door before slipping through into the dark expanse beyond.
Thunder cracked across the slate-coloured sky. It had begun raining shortly after exiting the Watford Gap, and had only increased in ferocity as they travelled further north.
Killer Lettuce stared glumly out of the train window. He had not wanted to come to this desolate part of the nation, and yet he had no choice but to do so in order to avenge his fallen comrade, Green.
"Tea, coffee, chocolates, snacks!", cried the drinks trolley salesmen. Killer Lettuce bought a cup of tea, and Tteh bought a cup of coffee. Both of them went undrank, their dishwater contents congealing in the sad white polystyrene cup.
They alighted at Leeds Central Station. The brutalist 1960s cement architecture instantly reminded them where they were, depressing them with great effect.
"He lives in a council estate in this general vicinity", said Tteh. "We shall have to get an Arriva Yorkshire bus."
"How awful", replied Killer Lettuce.
After some time they arrived at the council estate. Gangs of hooded scruffs glared at Tteh as he got off, making him feel self conscious and his lithe body feel vulnerable.
"Here it is", said Tteh outside a whitewashed 1930s-style semi-detached. He knocked on the door with his foot so as not to touch the door, which was covered in some kind of black fungus.
"Who is it?" A gruff voice answered at the other side.
"Its Tobi", replied Tteh. "The beacons are lit and we are calling for your aid."
There was a slight pause on the other side, followed by the sound of many bolts and chains unlocking. The door swung open. A corpulent figure stood on the other side. He was wearing a string vest and shorts. His bloodstained eyes surveyed the duo outside, nicotine-stained fingers flicking cigarette ash onto the carpet.
"You'd best come in", said the man.
"Are you Ash?" asked Killer Lettuce nervously.
"No. I'm his butler, Worcestershire. Ash is in the room he rents downstairs. It must be important if you've come oop norf. Those are the actions of desperate men. Come on, I'll take you to him."
They entered the house, politely declining the cups of tea offered to them. He led them to a downward staircase, at the bottom of which was a plain white wooden door.
" Gentlemen", said Worcestershire, bidding them farewell. "If you need me, please simply ring the butler bell." He pushed a small button on the wall and the sound of a bell rang clearly though the house.
"Thank you", said Tteh. "We shall do just that." He walked down the stairs, Killer Lettuce following in his wake, and gently knocked on the wooden door before slipping through into the dark expanse beyond.
Anonymous A (OP) quadruple-posted this 6 years ago, 50 minutes later, 22 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,620
Killer Lettuce blinked. The stench of weed permeated everything. Blacklights around the edge of the ceiling illuminated everything in an unsettling ultra-blue glow. On a large chair in the centre of the room sat a thin young man smoking a joint larger than his own head. He span around to face them .
"Gentlemen", he said. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"There's been a murder, Ash" said Tteh. "It's Green. He died in an explosion earlier today at his flat. I was hoping you might be able to help us finger the culprit."
Ash looked sidelong at Killer Lettuce.
"And your friend... He can be trusted?"
"I vouch for him", said Tteh.
"Well, if you trust him then so shall I" said Ash, standing up from his chair. "Come with me. "
He walked over to the bookcase in the corner and lifted out a battered copy of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. There was a click and the sound of gears and cogs winding around, and the bookcase swung open to reveal a fireman's pole leading into the ground. He jumped and slid down the pole. Tteh and Killer Lettuce followed.
They landed in a vast underground complex. The area around the pole hole was lit with a small lantern, but most of the place was pitch black. The sound of dripping water plunked into their earholes from far away, and the air was still. Ash's voice rang out from the darkness.
"Its time to introduce myself to you properly, Killer Lettuce. You know me as Ash Ketchup, but the world knows me by another name, one which strikes fear in the mind of criminals and brings hope to the helpless. For you are in the Owlcave and I am... THE OWL!"
The area suddenly illuminated with bright lights, revealing an enormous computer screen, many vehicles and weapons, and all kinds of gadgetry and doohickeys. The Owl stood in the centre of it all, master of his domain.
"You're not dressed any different", said Killer Lettuce. "I thought you'd have an owl costume on or something."
"Why would I be wearing an owl costume? And its been like ten seconds, where would I have gotten time to even put one on? That does not make any sense whatsoever. Never mention an owl costume to me again."
Killer Lettuce said nothing, because he was too busy being silently worried to himself that this meant The Owl didn't like him, even though he hadn't actually said so and didn't think that.
"Towel", said Tteh.
"Toblerone", said The Owl.
"What can you tell us about the explosion in Green's flat?"
"I'll have to run some diagnostics. Usually I have eyes on Green's flat, in case he ever tried to do a twattering again, but unfortunately not during this time frame." The Owl looked pained. "I was using them all to try and find out what becky was wearing, you see."
"Understandable", commiserated Tteh. "So what can you do for us?"
"I have backdoor access into the Pentagon's Internet Surveillance System, thanks to a secret agent/satellite engineer I know. I can use that to do a search for any relevant keyword chatter on the interwebs that happened around the time of the bombing. In the meantime, I think it's worthwhile paying a little visit to someone and asking some questions he may not want to answer."
"Can we take the Owlmobile?", asked Tteh. "The buses here are not happy places to travel on."
They all entered the Owlmobile, a 1999 Ford Mondeo with custom wheel trim, and drove out of the Owlcave, through a waterfall and into the Yorkshire Dales.
"Okay Google", said The Owl. "Open Google Maps in GPS mode."
The automated voice rang out in a friendly tone. "Where would you like to go, The Owl?"
The Owl grimaced and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His friend was dead, and a storm was coming.
"Salford."
"Gentlemen", he said. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"There's been a murder, Ash" said Tteh. "It's Green. He died in an explosion earlier today at his flat. I was hoping you might be able to help us finger the culprit."
Ash looked sidelong at Killer Lettuce.
"And your friend... He can be trusted?"
"I vouch for him", said Tteh.
"Well, if you trust him then so shall I" said Ash, standing up from his chair. "Come with me. "
He walked over to the bookcase in the corner and lifted out a battered copy of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. There was a click and the sound of gears and cogs winding around, and the bookcase swung open to reveal a fireman's pole leading into the ground. He jumped and slid down the pole. Tteh and Killer Lettuce followed.
They landed in a vast underground complex. The area around the pole hole was lit with a small lantern, but most of the place was pitch black. The sound of dripping water plunked into their earholes from far away, and the air was still. Ash's voice rang out from the darkness.
"Its time to introduce myself to you properly, Killer Lettuce. You know me as Ash Ketchup, but the world knows me by another name, one which strikes fear in the mind of criminals and brings hope to the helpless. For you are in the Owlcave and I am... THE OWL!"
The area suddenly illuminated with bright lights, revealing an enormous computer screen, many vehicles and weapons, and all kinds of gadgetry and doohickeys. The Owl stood in the centre of it all, master of his domain.
"You're not dressed any different", said Killer Lettuce. "I thought you'd have an owl costume on or something."
"Why would I be wearing an owl costume? And its been like ten seconds, where would I have gotten time to even put one on? That does not make any sense whatsoever. Never mention an owl costume to me again."
Killer Lettuce said nothing, because he was too busy being silently worried to himself that this meant The Owl didn't like him, even though he hadn't actually said so and didn't think that.
"Towel", said Tteh.
"Toblerone", said The Owl.
"What can you tell us about the explosion in Green's flat?"
"I'll have to run some diagnostics. Usually I have eyes on Green's flat, in case he ever tried to do a twattering again, but unfortunately not during this time frame." The Owl looked pained. "I was using them all to try and find out what becky was wearing, you see."
"Understandable", commiserated Tteh. "So what can you do for us?"
"I have backdoor access into the Pentagon's Internet Surveillance System, thanks to a secret agent/satellite engineer I know. I can use that to do a search for any relevant keyword chatter on the interwebs that happened around the time of the bombing. In the meantime, I think it's worthwhile paying a little visit to someone and asking some questions he may not want to answer."
"Can we take the Owlmobile?", asked Tteh. "The buses here are not happy places to travel on."
They all entered the Owlmobile, a 1999 Ford Mondeo with custom wheel trim, and drove out of the Owlcave, through a waterfall and into the Yorkshire Dales.
"Okay Google", said The Owl. "Open Google Maps in GPS mode."
The automated voice rang out in a friendly tone. "Where would you like to go, The Owl?"
The Owl grimaced and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His friend was dead, and a storm was coming.
"Salford."
Killer Lettuce? !HonkUK.BIE replied with this 6 years ago, 50 minutes later, 23 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,631
Finally, a Minichanfic fanfic for the Englishman! Loving these quips about Grenfell and the train trolly people.
@1,037,613 (A)
> "What!" cried Killer Lettuce, "I don't want to go to the North! They all look deformed, and talk funny, and all they have is Greggs the Bakers and Poundbakery so my pasty powers won't work at full efficiency..."
I had a jolly chuckle at this. I'm actually in nearly this exact situation. I moved recently, and there aren't any pasty shops here. Only Greggs. It's grim...
@previous (A)
> "Why would I be wearing an owl costume? And its been like ten seconds, where would I have gotten time to even put one on? That does not make any sense whatsoever. Never mention an owl costume to me again."
> Killer Lettuce said nothing, because he was too busy being silently worried to himself that this meant The Owl didn't like him, even though he hadn't actually said so and didn't think that.
:')
@1,037,613 (A)
> "What!" cried Killer Lettuce, "I don't want to go to the North! They all look deformed, and talk funny, and all they have is Greggs the Bakers and Poundbakery so my pasty powers won't work at full efficiency..."
I had a jolly chuckle at this. I'm actually in nearly this exact situation. I moved recently, and there aren't any pasty shops here. Only Greggs. It's grim...
@previous (A)
> "Why would I be wearing an owl costume? And its been like ten seconds, where would I have gotten time to even put one on? That does not make any sense whatsoever. Never mention an owl costume to me again."
> Killer Lettuce said nothing, because he was too busy being silently worried to himself that this meant The Owl didn't like him, even though he hadn't actually said so and didn't think that.
:')
(Edited 42 seconds later.)
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,692
They arrived in Salford that evening. After some confusion trying to navigate Manchester City Centre's Road network, The Owl managed to park the Owlmobile in the Arndale car park.
"Who are we looking for?" asked Tteh, jogging alongside The Owl.
"Information Broking isn't just about splashing about in the PISS," said The Owl. "Sometimes you have to put feet on the ground."
"Jolly good," said Killer Lettuce. "We're to meet with an informant?"
"You'll see."
They turned a corner into an alleyway. The Owl banged on a bin lid, and a man in a leather jacket popped up. He gaped at The Owl for a few seconds, then with a cry jumped out and ran. He got a few steps before Tteh jumped on his back, tumbling him to the ground where he flailed impotently for a few seconds before giving up.
"What's got u mad now, Owl?", said the man in the leather jacket.
The Owl didn't respond to such low level trolling. "That's a funny place for you to be spending time, Doctor" he said. "Were you hiding from me?"
The Doctor grinned. His teeth glistened yellow like cornflakes under an incandescent lightbulb. "Nice madsertion. I-ARGH!"
Killer Lettuce showed the Doctor his foot, which he had just chopped off. "I found an axe! Answer the question, or I swear by Cornish Jesus I'll take the other foot too!"
"Oh my god! My foot! You maniac!" cried the Doctor. "Fine, I was hiding! But not from you", he spat with a hiss. "It was from Sim. The dudes crazy..."
"Not as crazy as you," said Tteh. "Sim disappeared in Bolivia 4 years ago. I was there when it all went down. He went into the jungle and never came back out. So how can he be here in Salford?"
"You moron!" cried The Doctor. "He's been in HMP Belmarsh all this time! Until this morning that is, when he got busted out in a daring helicopter raid. He's coming for me, I know he is! I used to send him pictures of my shits in the post! I thought he would never get out!"
The Owl nodded.
"Whatever happened, Sim is the least of your worries right now. I've heard that you've a price on your head with Mr Bones. Should I give him a call?"
The Doctor started crying. He pooped and pissed his pants, and his leather jacket was despoiled.
"No, please not Mr Bones. He'll debone my arms and legs! How did you even hear about that?? Jesus, what do you want? I need to go to hospital to get my foot repaired goddammit!"
"Green!" snarled The Owl. "Who whacked him, and why?"
The Doctor looked confused. "But... But Green isn't dead... I saw him in Blackpool just yesterday!"
"He lies!", cried Killer Lettuce, "yesterday I was with Green all day! I hurt myself in a slip and he tended to my booboos for hours!"
"I swear to god! He was working as a caretaker at Blackpool Pleasure Beach! He wouldn't tell me why! Oh god! Please!"
"If we find out you're lying to us," whispered Tteh, "you will come to regret it..."
They walked away, leaving the crumpled figure of the Doctor sobbing in the alleyway.
"I can see why you like doing this, Ash. That was fun!" said Killer Lettuce.
"Call me... The Owl" said The Owl.
They got back into the Owlmobile and drove back to the Owlcave. Alas, the owlputer had not yet completed its keyword search.
They settled down to a late tea, which Worcestershire had been making while they were gone. They enjoyed sausages, mash, gravy, roast beef and Yorkshire puddings that evening, and made plans for the following hours.
"Tteh, Killer Lettuce, you need to go to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and investigate the information that the Doctor gave us. I, The Owl, shall remain here in the Owlcave and play video games until my search is completed."
Before they left, The Owl gave Tteh and Killer Lettuce some gadgets to help them.
"Tteh, this watch contains a hidden grappling hook. It can withstand depths of 50ft, and if you twist it like so, you will activate taser mode. Please be careful, as you can only use taser mode once before I have to recharge it here at the Owlcave."
"Killer Lettuce, this helicopter hat allows you to survive falls from high places. It's made of bulletproof kevlar, and will always return to you if you throw it."
With their new tools, the dynamic duo got into the spare Owlmobile, a Jaguar XF, and set out from the Owlcave. Tteh looked at Killer Lettuce as they sped along the motorway.
"Don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of this... One way or another."
"Who are we looking for?" asked Tteh, jogging alongside The Owl.
"Information Broking isn't just about splashing about in the PISS," said The Owl. "Sometimes you have to put feet on the ground."
"Jolly good," said Killer Lettuce. "We're to meet with an informant?"
"You'll see."
They turned a corner into an alleyway. The Owl banged on a bin lid, and a man in a leather jacket popped up. He gaped at The Owl for a few seconds, then with a cry jumped out and ran. He got a few steps before Tteh jumped on his back, tumbling him to the ground where he flailed impotently for a few seconds before giving up.
"What's got u mad now, Owl?", said the man in the leather jacket.
The Owl didn't respond to such low level trolling. "That's a funny place for you to be spending time, Doctor" he said. "Were you hiding from me?"
The Doctor grinned. His teeth glistened yellow like cornflakes under an incandescent lightbulb. "Nice madsertion. I-ARGH!"
Killer Lettuce showed the Doctor his foot, which he had just chopped off. "I found an axe! Answer the question, or I swear by Cornish Jesus I'll take the other foot too!"
"Oh my god! My foot! You maniac!" cried the Doctor. "Fine, I was hiding! But not from you", he spat with a hiss. "It was from Sim. The dudes crazy..."
"Not as crazy as you," said Tteh. "Sim disappeared in Bolivia 4 years ago. I was there when it all went down. He went into the jungle and never came back out. So how can he be here in Salford?"
"You moron!" cried The Doctor. "He's been in HMP Belmarsh all this time! Until this morning that is, when he got busted out in a daring helicopter raid. He's coming for me, I know he is! I used to send him pictures of my shits in the post! I thought he would never get out!"
The Owl nodded.
"Whatever happened, Sim is the least of your worries right now. I've heard that you've a price on your head with Mr Bones. Should I give him a call?"
The Doctor started crying. He pooped and pissed his pants, and his leather jacket was despoiled.
"No, please not Mr Bones. He'll debone my arms and legs! How did you even hear about that?? Jesus, what do you want? I need to go to hospital to get my foot repaired goddammit!"
"Green!" snarled The Owl. "Who whacked him, and why?"
The Doctor looked confused. "But... But Green isn't dead... I saw him in Blackpool just yesterday!"
"He lies!", cried Killer Lettuce, "yesterday I was with Green all day! I hurt myself in a slip and he tended to my booboos for hours!"
"I swear to god! He was working as a caretaker at Blackpool Pleasure Beach! He wouldn't tell me why! Oh god! Please!"
"If we find out you're lying to us," whispered Tteh, "you will come to regret it..."
They walked away, leaving the crumpled figure of the Doctor sobbing in the alleyway.
"I can see why you like doing this, Ash. That was fun!" said Killer Lettuce.
"Call me... The Owl" said The Owl.
They got back into the Owlmobile and drove back to the Owlcave. Alas, the owlputer had not yet completed its keyword search.
They settled down to a late tea, which Worcestershire had been making while they were gone. They enjoyed sausages, mash, gravy, roast beef and Yorkshire puddings that evening, and made plans for the following hours.
"Tteh, Killer Lettuce, you need to go to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and investigate the information that the Doctor gave us. I, The Owl, shall remain here in the Owlcave and play video games until my search is completed."
Before they left, The Owl gave Tteh and Killer Lettuce some gadgets to help them.
"Tteh, this watch contains a hidden grappling hook. It can withstand depths of 50ft, and if you twist it like so, you will activate taser mode. Please be careful, as you can only use taser mode once before I have to recharge it here at the Owlcave."
"Killer Lettuce, this helicopter hat allows you to survive falls from high places. It's made of bulletproof kevlar, and will always return to you if you throw it."
With their new tools, the dynamic duo got into the spare Owlmobile, a Jaguar XF, and set out from the Owlcave. Tteh looked at Killer Lettuce as they sped along the motorway.
"Don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of this... One way or another."
(Edited 2 minutes later.)
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 6 years ago, 21 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,037,981
Tteh pulled into the car park. The light of the golden mile shone bright in the night, the olive-tinted waves of the Irish Sea lapped onto the award-winning Blackpool beach. Gulls cried on the seafront and along the pier, the faint clattering sound of penny push machines could be heard.
"What a magnificent example of a traditional British seaside resort", said Killer Lettuce.
"Indeed", agreed Tteh. "However, this is no time to get stars in our eyes. We need to do some reconnesance at Blackpool Pleasure Beach."
Tteh and Killer Lettuce caught one of the famous open-top double decker trams and rode it down the golden mile. They alighted at the top end, and gazed at the imposing figure of the Pepsi Max roller-coaster. It was swathed in darkness, silenced for the night.
"I think it's shut", said Killer Lettuce. "How will we access the park to observe the caretakers?"
"We shall have to sneak in", said Tteh. He fired his grappling hook at the Pepsi Max, and feeling the grapple catch tight into the rails, hugged Killer Lettuce tightly and activated the recall mechanism. The two men lifted high into the air, and gracefully landed on the other side of the fence.
They jumped into a nearby bush and looked around, examining their surroundings. At this time of the night, the park was mostly deserted. Tteh observed a few security guards walking their German Shepherd dogs along set patrols. Killer Lettuce noted the patterns of the spotlights from the guard towers erected at each corner of the park.
When they had a clean chance, they broke out of the bus and rolled, dived and infiltrated through the park. Tteh pointed at the ghost train ride. The ghoulish painted faces of the riding carts leered at them from the dark.
"I think we should check inside there", said Tteh. "If Green is alive and in hiding here, he will be where nobody would ever find him. The ghost train, being the spookiest ride, is the perfect candidate."
"No", responded Killer Lettuce. "I think that a scary ride is the most obvious choice. He would second-guess everyone, and go into the best ride." He pointed at Alice in Wonderland's Teacup ride. "He must be inside there!"
Tteh considered this, but suddenly his ears pricked up and he span around, already moving.
"Lo!" he cried, "I hear the sound of park maintenence over by the Irn Bru roller-coaster!"
Tteh and Killer Lettuce peeked around the corner. There, mopping up a puddle of vomit, was unmistakably Green!
"My god!" cried Tteh, springing around the corner. "What is the meaning of this!?"
Green looked around at the noise, and seeing Tteh sprinting towards him, turned tail and ran into the Chinese puzzle maze.
"Wait!" cried Tteh. "Killer Lettuce, he's trying to escape! Head him off at the park gates, I'll follow him here!"
They split up, each bent double in their sprint to avoid unwanted attention. Tteh saw Green in front of him, scaling the hedges and heading inexorably towards the centre of the maze.
"Two can play at that game", said Tteh. He looked up above him, and spotting his chance, fired his grappling hook at the rail from the Grand National ride. At that very moment, one of the horses that you sit in rumbled past and Tteh fell neatly into the saddle. He twisted his watch, and pointed it at Green. The rails rose and fell in their expertly crafted simulacrum of steeples, and he found it difficult to get a bead.
"Better not, Tteh", said Tteh. "The Owl said I can only use it once."
Green was scaling the hedges with incredible ease. He would leap like a magnificent salmon, and at the apex of his jump execute a perfect Fosbury flop 180 twist. This was allowing him to clear the obstacles in astounding time. Tteh was lagging behind, he realised. He gee'd up his horse before remembering that it was a plastic cart and probably wouldn't respond to it. Tteh witnessed with despair as Green reached the centre of the maze and climbed into a manhole by one of the benches.
Tteh quickly used Pythagoras Theorem to calculate the optimum moment to dive and at that moment did so. He plummeted headfirst towards the ground and fell into the manhole after Green, landing on the floor below in perfect hero landing pose.
He looked around. He was in some kind of tunnel complex which ran underneath the amusement park for employee use. The sound of footsteps echoed down the North tunnel, and Tteh followed.
After some time running after the sounds of footsteps, he began to hear the sound of melodious piping. Suddenly he ran straight into Green, who was struggling to unlock an access door. It splintered open under their combined weight, and the two men tumbled out onto the beach outside the famous Blackpool High Tide Organ.
Green scrambled up and was about to make his escape from the dazed Tteh, when a cry from above grabbed his attention.
"Tally ho!" cried Killer Lettuce, gliding down with his helicopter hat and motioning menacingly with his axe. "We've found you! But how are you alive? And why did you run?"
"Gasp! Killer Lettuce!" exclaimed Green. "But then..." he looked at Tteh. "Are you Tteh... or Hett?"
"Who is Hett?" asked Tteh?
"Your mirror zone doppelganger from the unwritten prequel", said Killer Lettuce. "I'll explain it all later."
"Very well. However, I am not a mirror zone person but am an original zone person." said Tteh. "Now, Green, you must answer the question. How are you alive?"
Green looked askanse at Tteh. "Did you call me... Green? I'm not Green. I'm his twin brother, Blue. I've been working undercover in this amusement Park for several months trying to locate my brother. As you no doubt remember, Killer Lettuce, he was kidnapped by pirates some time ago during the mirror zone crisis. I've been looking for him ever since."
Killer Lettuce was confused. He showed Blue the legs that he had recovered from the rubble of Green's flat.
'But whose legs are these? And who did we see die? My friend swore a holy oath to avenge his death. Are you telling me that wasn't Green?"
Blue's face crumpled into sadness.
"Our other twin, Yellow... He was investigating some reports of mischief on behalf of Green. Its likely that he took on the role of Green in order to help rehabilitate his image. He was always the good twin, was Yellow. If you saw someone die, it must have been him."
"Yellow..." said Tteh. His brow was furrowed in thought. "It all makes sense now. Green never washed his balls, and yet recently they were always lemon fresh! But who could have killed him? Who was he investigating?"
Blue looked pensively out to sea. A few seconds of silence passed, then he spoke.
"Green had three twin brothers. Yellow was the good twin. I was the neutral twin. And the person that he was investigating... Was our evil twin. Red."
"What a magnificent example of a traditional British seaside resort", said Killer Lettuce.
"Indeed", agreed Tteh. "However, this is no time to get stars in our eyes. We need to do some reconnesance at Blackpool Pleasure Beach."
Tteh and Killer Lettuce caught one of the famous open-top double decker trams and rode it down the golden mile. They alighted at the top end, and gazed at the imposing figure of the Pepsi Max roller-coaster. It was swathed in darkness, silenced for the night.
"I think it's shut", said Killer Lettuce. "How will we access the park to observe the caretakers?"
"We shall have to sneak in", said Tteh. He fired his grappling hook at the Pepsi Max, and feeling the grapple catch tight into the rails, hugged Killer Lettuce tightly and activated the recall mechanism. The two men lifted high into the air, and gracefully landed on the other side of the fence.
They jumped into a nearby bush and looked around, examining their surroundings. At this time of the night, the park was mostly deserted. Tteh observed a few security guards walking their German Shepherd dogs along set patrols. Killer Lettuce noted the patterns of the spotlights from the guard towers erected at each corner of the park.
When they had a clean chance, they broke out of the bus and rolled, dived and infiltrated through the park. Tteh pointed at the ghost train ride. The ghoulish painted faces of the riding carts leered at them from the dark.
"I think we should check inside there", said Tteh. "If Green is alive and in hiding here, he will be where nobody would ever find him. The ghost train, being the spookiest ride, is the perfect candidate."
"No", responded Killer Lettuce. "I think that a scary ride is the most obvious choice. He would second-guess everyone, and go into the best ride." He pointed at Alice in Wonderland's Teacup ride. "He must be inside there!"
Tteh considered this, but suddenly his ears pricked up and he span around, already moving.
"Lo!" he cried, "I hear the sound of park maintenence over by the Irn Bru roller-coaster!"
Tteh and Killer Lettuce peeked around the corner. There, mopping up a puddle of vomit, was unmistakably Green!
"My god!" cried Tteh, springing around the corner. "What is the meaning of this!?"
Green looked around at the noise, and seeing Tteh sprinting towards him, turned tail and ran into the Chinese puzzle maze.
"Wait!" cried Tteh. "Killer Lettuce, he's trying to escape! Head him off at the park gates, I'll follow him here!"
They split up, each bent double in their sprint to avoid unwanted attention. Tteh saw Green in front of him, scaling the hedges and heading inexorably towards the centre of the maze.
"Two can play at that game", said Tteh. He looked up above him, and spotting his chance, fired his grappling hook at the rail from the Grand National ride. At that very moment, one of the horses that you sit in rumbled past and Tteh fell neatly into the saddle. He twisted his watch, and pointed it at Green. The rails rose and fell in their expertly crafted simulacrum of steeples, and he found it difficult to get a bead.
"Better not, Tteh", said Tteh. "The Owl said I can only use it once."
Green was scaling the hedges with incredible ease. He would leap like a magnificent salmon, and at the apex of his jump execute a perfect Fosbury flop 180 twist. This was allowing him to clear the obstacles in astounding time. Tteh was lagging behind, he realised. He gee'd up his horse before remembering that it was a plastic cart and probably wouldn't respond to it. Tteh witnessed with despair as Green reached the centre of the maze and climbed into a manhole by one of the benches.
Tteh quickly used Pythagoras Theorem to calculate the optimum moment to dive and at that moment did so. He plummeted headfirst towards the ground and fell into the manhole after Green, landing on the floor below in perfect hero landing pose.
He looked around. He was in some kind of tunnel complex which ran underneath the amusement park for employee use. The sound of footsteps echoed down the North tunnel, and Tteh followed.
After some time running after the sounds of footsteps, he began to hear the sound of melodious piping. Suddenly he ran straight into Green, who was struggling to unlock an access door. It splintered open under their combined weight, and the two men tumbled out onto the beach outside the famous Blackpool High Tide Organ.
Green scrambled up and was about to make his escape from the dazed Tteh, when a cry from above grabbed his attention.
"Tally ho!" cried Killer Lettuce, gliding down with his helicopter hat and motioning menacingly with his axe. "We've found you! But how are you alive? And why did you run?"
"Gasp! Killer Lettuce!" exclaimed Green. "But then..." he looked at Tteh. "Are you Tteh... or Hett?"
"Who is Hett?" asked Tteh?
"Your mirror zone doppelganger from the unwritten prequel", said Killer Lettuce. "I'll explain it all later."
"Very well. However, I am not a mirror zone person but am an original zone person." said Tteh. "Now, Green, you must answer the question. How are you alive?"
Green looked askanse at Tteh. "Did you call me... Green? I'm not Green. I'm his twin brother, Blue. I've been working undercover in this amusement Park for several months trying to locate my brother. As you no doubt remember, Killer Lettuce, he was kidnapped by pirates some time ago during the mirror zone crisis. I've been looking for him ever since."
Killer Lettuce was confused. He showed Blue the legs that he had recovered from the rubble of Green's flat.
'But whose legs are these? And who did we see die? My friend swore a holy oath to avenge his death. Are you telling me that wasn't Green?"
Blue's face crumpled into sadness.
"Our other twin, Yellow... He was investigating some reports of mischief on behalf of Green. Its likely that he took on the role of Green in order to help rehabilitate his image. He was always the good twin, was Yellow. If you saw someone die, it must have been him."
"Yellow..." said Tteh. His brow was furrowed in thought. "It all makes sense now. Green never washed his balls, and yet recently they were always lemon fresh! But who could have killed him? Who was he investigating?"
Blue looked pensively out to sea. A few seconds of silence passed, then he spoke.
"Green had three twin brothers. Yellow was the good twin. I was the neutral twin. And the person that he was investigating... Was our evil twin. Red."
Anonymous A (OP) triple-posted this 6 years ago, 1 week later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #1,041,861
The team were silent as they drove back down towards the centre of England in the spare Owlmobile. Tteh felt slightly awkward in the passenger seat. It felt like he was being driven by a spooky ghost.
"I'm not a ghost", said Blue. "You see, we were originally one person in our mother's womb before a freak BB gun accident split our egg into four pieces, which became me, Red, Yellow and Green. That's why we all have certain personality traits instead of one whole cohesive personality... We were originally one and the same person. Its also why we can sense each others presence when we are nearby each other."
"Do you mean to say you have mind powers?" asked Killer Lettuce.
"No, I mean that when I see one of my brothers, I know its them. It sounds obvious but we all have a thing for donning elaborate disguises so being able to see through that is very useful."
Suddenly, the owl-radio crackled into life.
"Glad to reach you, team. The owlputer has finished its analysis and the results make for some interesting reading. Shortly before the explosion, Green was secretly drinking some hooch behind the library and a blue Toyota Aygo pulled up beside him. I couldn't see the driver because they had put lasers on the dash and it dazzled the camera, but by the time the feed reestablished visuals, it had left the scene... And drove straight to Green's flat. It was there that I got a real look at our perpetrator. It was none other than Green's evil twin brother, Red!"
The car was silent.
"We know that already," said Killer Lettuce. "We met Green's other brother Blue, and he revealed it all first!"
The Owl gasped. "The fabled fourth twin brother? I heard the rumours but I never suspected they were true!"
Blue nodded. "It's true, I am very good at hiding in plain sight."
Suddenly the connection cut off. They had passed into the south.
"We have crossed the line between North and South", announced Tteh. "The Owl never ventures south, and neither do his radio waves."
"I'm sorry but it cannot be helped", said Blue. "We must make our way to kerno... -Cornwall- as quickly as possible. Does anybody have any accommodation in Cornwall?"
Killer Lettuce perked up. Now was truly his time to shine!
"I'm not a ghost", said Blue. "You see, we were originally one person in our mother's womb before a freak BB gun accident split our egg into four pieces, which became me, Red, Yellow and Green. That's why we all have certain personality traits instead of one whole cohesive personality... We were originally one and the same person. Its also why we can sense each others presence when we are nearby each other."
"Do you mean to say you have mind powers?" asked Killer Lettuce.
"No, I mean that when I see one of my brothers, I know its them. It sounds obvious but we all have a thing for donning elaborate disguises so being able to see through that is very useful."
Suddenly, the owl-radio crackled into life.
"Glad to reach you, team. The owlputer has finished its analysis and the results make for some interesting reading. Shortly before the explosion, Green was secretly drinking some hooch behind the library and a blue Toyota Aygo pulled up beside him. I couldn't see the driver because they had put lasers on the dash and it dazzled the camera, but by the time the feed reestablished visuals, it had left the scene... And drove straight to Green's flat. It was there that I got a real look at our perpetrator. It was none other than Green's evil twin brother, Red!"
The car was silent.
"We know that already," said Killer Lettuce. "We met Green's other brother Blue, and he revealed it all first!"
The Owl gasped. "The fabled fourth twin brother? I heard the rumours but I never suspected they were true!"
Blue nodded. "It's true, I am very good at hiding in plain sight."
Suddenly the connection cut off. They had passed into the south.
"We have crossed the line between North and South", announced Tteh. "The Owl never ventures south, and neither do his radio waves."
"I'm sorry but it cannot be helped", said Blue. "We must make our way to kerno... -Cornwall- as quickly as possible. Does anybody have any accommodation in Cornwall?"
Killer Lettuce perked up. Now was truly his time to shine!
Anonymous A (OP) quadruple-posted this 6 years ago, 2 hours later, 1 week after the original post[^] [v] #1,041,918
The Owlmobile pulled into the neat, landscaped driveway of Killer Lettuce's mums house.
"Mummy let's me stay inside the wendy house!", he excitedly exclaimed. Tteh nodded approvingly.
The team went through the tall back gate, and beheld Killer Lettuce's home. It was a lovely construction, made of red and yellow plastic, with a trim in the window. Tteh nodded approvingly.
They all went in and Killer Lettuce put the kettle on and made everyone a lovely cup of tea and served them with scones. Blue spread his scone with cream and topped with a spoonful of jam.
Killer Lettuce smiled, but rage built on the inside. It slowly built in pressure until the steam started whistling from his ears. He vibrated in anger, first subtly and then with increasing force.
"Are you okay?" asked Blue.
"We should pay attention", said Tteh solemnly. "Killer Lettuce doesn't often get like this, but when he does he becomes like a man possessed. They say that the ghost of a forgotten nation whispers in his ear."
"We go now..." whispered Killer Lettuce. "We go now to the liberation of Kernow from oppressive English bastards... We go now to Kernow Psuedo-National Tin Mine..."
"Isn't that place filled with Kernow Liberation Army paramilitary soldiers?" asked Tteh.
"If there's strife and trouble in Keronwall, Red might be involved" said Blue. "We should check out the tin mine as soon as possible."
"Where am I?" asked Killer Lettuce. "Perhaps I should lay down for a time?"
"No," said Blue. "We must stop Red as soon as possible. We go now."
And with that, they left.
"Mummy let's me stay inside the wendy house!", he excitedly exclaimed. Tteh nodded approvingly.
The team went through the tall back gate, and beheld Killer Lettuce's home. It was a lovely construction, made of red and yellow plastic, with a trim in the window. Tteh nodded approvingly.
They all went in and Killer Lettuce put the kettle on and made everyone a lovely cup of tea and served them with scones. Blue spread his scone with cream and topped with a spoonful of jam.
Killer Lettuce smiled, but rage built on the inside. It slowly built in pressure until the steam started whistling from his ears. He vibrated in anger, first subtly and then with increasing force.
"Are you okay?" asked Blue.
"We should pay attention", said Tteh solemnly. "Killer Lettuce doesn't often get like this, but when he does he becomes like a man possessed. They say that the ghost of a forgotten nation whispers in his ear."
"We go now..." whispered Killer Lettuce. "We go now to the liberation of Kernow from oppressive English bastards... We go now to Kernow Psuedo-National Tin Mine..."
"Isn't that place filled with Kernow Liberation Army paramilitary soldiers?" asked Tteh.
"If there's strife and trouble in Keronwall, Red might be involved" said Blue. "We should check out the tin mine as soon as possible."
"Where am I?" asked Killer Lettuce. "Perhaps I should lay down for a time?"
"No," said Blue. "We must stop Red as soon as possible. We go now."
And with that, they left.
Anonymous A (OP) quintuple-posted this 6 years ago, 1 day later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #1,042,813
The thunder cracked the sky above the car as it drove down the Cornish motorway, the P4-ST13. With two lanes on each side, this was the largest road in Cornwall. Killer Lettuce glowed with nationalistic pride as they cruised down on the smooth tarmac.
Eventually they reached their junction and turned off. Above the gate of the mine entrance, the words ARBEIT MACH TIRED ME ANDSUM were wrought in iron letters on top of a wooden plinth on which were engraved the words "Kernow National Tin Mine". Besides the engraving was written in marker pen, "& Curry Palace".
Blue saw the curry Palace nearby. "I could go for a tikka masala right now", he said. He put on his Tikka Fan Man T-shirt and walked into the restaurant. Tteh and Killer Lettuce, who weren't hungry, patiently waited by the car.
Some time later, Killer Lettuce was getting agitated. "I really want a wee", he said to Tteh. Tteh nodded. "And I must take my insulin injections, lest I die horribly. We should go one at a time, so that we can guard the car. The people here are shiftless and predisposed to crime, so we must not allow them any opportunity to steal our ride."
Killer Lettuce went first. His bladder was engorged like a water balloon, and he was crying for relief. He walked through the red velvet curtains in the curry Palace doorway, and a moment later popped his head back out.
"Tteh!" he cried. "There's nothing in here!"
Tteh jogged forward, squeezing lithly past Killer Lettuce to behold the interior of the restaurant. Indeed, it was hollow on the inside. There was no furniture, lighting or even cheap bangla wallart.
"How baffling!" ejaculated Tteh. "But what has happened to Blue?"
They looked around the building, but could find no trace of their stout and lusty companion. He had simply disappeared into thin air.
"Behold!" said Tteh. "There are several scrape marks on the floor here, as though something heavy and cumbersome had been dragged."
"I don't think it's polite to talk about our friends that way, Tteh." said Killer Lettuce. "He may have a large gut, and swollen ankles, but he is still our friend's identical brother, and is therefore considered identical to my feelings!"
"I'm sorry I upset you, dearest Killer Lettuce," said Tteh. "But I think rather that they were caused by this item here." He pointed at a bookcase, seemingly out of place in such an empty building. Tteh peered closely at the books.
"This one is interesting. The other books appear to be as if new and untouched, but this one, Ali Baba and the 70 Thieves, is grimy and seems to have been handled a great deal." he pulled the book, and with a chunk, the bookcase slowly swung open to reveal a tightly wounding column of stone steps leading into the murky darkness.
"Interesting..." muttered Tteh.
Eventually they reached their junction and turned off. Above the gate of the mine entrance, the words ARBEIT MACH TIRED ME ANDSUM were wrought in iron letters on top of a wooden plinth on which were engraved the words "Kernow National Tin Mine". Besides the engraving was written in marker pen, "& Curry Palace".
Blue saw the curry Palace nearby. "I could go for a tikka masala right now", he said. He put on his Tikka Fan Man T-shirt and walked into the restaurant. Tteh and Killer Lettuce, who weren't hungry, patiently waited by the car.
Some time later, Killer Lettuce was getting agitated. "I really want a wee", he said to Tteh. Tteh nodded. "And I must take my insulin injections, lest I die horribly. We should go one at a time, so that we can guard the car. The people here are shiftless and predisposed to crime, so we must not allow them any opportunity to steal our ride."
Killer Lettuce went first. His bladder was engorged like a water balloon, and he was crying for relief. He walked through the red velvet curtains in the curry Palace doorway, and a moment later popped his head back out.
"Tteh!" he cried. "There's nothing in here!"
Tteh jogged forward, squeezing lithly past Killer Lettuce to behold the interior of the restaurant. Indeed, it was hollow on the inside. There was no furniture, lighting or even cheap bangla wallart.
"How baffling!" ejaculated Tteh. "But what has happened to Blue?"
They looked around the building, but could find no trace of their stout and lusty companion. He had simply disappeared into thin air.
"Behold!" said Tteh. "There are several scrape marks on the floor here, as though something heavy and cumbersome had been dragged."
"I don't think it's polite to talk about our friends that way, Tteh." said Killer Lettuce. "He may have a large gut, and swollen ankles, but he is still our friend's identical brother, and is therefore considered identical to my feelings!"
"I'm sorry I upset you, dearest Killer Lettuce," said Tteh. "But I think rather that they were caused by this item here." He pointed at a bookcase, seemingly out of place in such an empty building. Tteh peered closely at the books.
"This one is interesting. The other books appear to be as if new and untouched, but this one, Ali Baba and the 70 Thieves, is grimy and seems to have been handled a great deal." he pulled the book, and with a chunk, the bookcase slowly swung open to reveal a tightly wounding column of stone steps leading into the murky darkness.
"Interesting..." muttered Tteh.
(Edited 42 seconds later.)
Anonymous A (OP) sextuple-posted this 6 years ago, 2 days later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #1,043,757
The steps descended some way. After a few minutes, the little light that penetrated through the doorway failed, and the only illumination was the dark orange glow of the wall sconce lights. They walked, and walked, until Tteh could no longer remember how many steps he had taken. He began to wonder how long he would tumble if he happened to slip. He shuddered. It was claustrophobic in the stairway. The roof was barely head height, and the breadth was so narrow that they had to walk one at a time.
Killer Lettuce did not speak. He was worrying about Blue, about Green, about Yellow. He thought back to the morning that began it all, the morning where Red had sneaked in at the crack of dawn and planted plastic explosives in Deadmau5's speaker set. His eyes glistened and his fists bunched, as he remembered the IDM wizard who had sacrificed everything, even his very life, at the whim of a person who looked identical to his very best friend.
Soon they came to the bottom of the staircase. The lights cast scattered, dancing shadows on the roughly-hewn walls down a long corridor. Their footsteps rang like bells on the hard stone floor. Presently they came to an opening in the wall, whence a cold breeze gently blew.
"I have no memory of this place," muttered Tteh, "because I have not been here before. Should we go through this hole in the wall?"
"A hole in the wall is a proud Cornish tradition", said Killer Lettuce. "I believe we should."
They entered the opening then. It gently sloped down in a winding, undulating pathway. They emerged into a wide cavern. It was shaped like a bowl, the sides curving up to a vertical slope. In the centre of the cavern, a plynth rose up in a series of steps. It raised higher and higher, and at the top of a pyramid was a giant birdcage. Tteh crept closely to the plynth, and as he approached, the darkness slowly lifted to reveal the shape of a man. He was slumped forward in a large chair. The scent of unwashed balls and rancid butter hung fetidly in the air. He looked up at the sound of the approaching footsteps, his face unmistakable even through the thick beard.
"Green?" Tteh whispered. "Is that you?"
The man said nothing, but only looked down again. He spoke, in a dry and cracked voice.
"Yes, it is I, Green. You have found me at last. Please, set me free!"
"Wait" said Killer Lettuce. "How do we know you're not Red, the evil twin brother?"
Green fished in his pocket and pulled out a small blue plastic card. He offered it to Killer Lettuce, showing him the large white letters written upon it; AUTISM ALERT.
"This is my identity", said Green. "I show this to people."
Tteh nodded. "That is all the proof I need. This is truly the real Green! But how did you come to be in a birdcage in the secret hidden dungeon of a curry restaurant? And how do we get you free?"
"It was my evil brother, Red" said Green "He kidnapped me and forced me to do terrible things of which I shall not speak. I can never wear a hat in the same way again, but shall speak no more of this."
"And as for how to get him free", said Killer Lettuce, "I shall take care of that!" He swung his axe at the padlock on the door, and it shattered. "Bollocks", said Killer Lettuce. "I thought that would break the lock."
Tteh rattled the padlock. It opened with a click amd the door swung open.
"My god, it was unlocked all along!" cried Green. "So many faecal accidents that could have been prevented!"
"Indeed, your pants have been shat many times unnecessarily", noted Tteh. "Now we must leave this place, and continue to search for Blue."
"Blue is here? That's not possible!" said Green. His face was pained. "Blue died in a car accident when we were only ten years old."
Killer Lettuce did not speak. He was worrying about Blue, about Green, about Yellow. He thought back to the morning that began it all, the morning where Red had sneaked in at the crack of dawn and planted plastic explosives in Deadmau5's speaker set. His eyes glistened and his fists bunched, as he remembered the IDM wizard who had sacrificed everything, even his very life, at the whim of a person who looked identical to his very best friend.
Soon they came to the bottom of the staircase. The lights cast scattered, dancing shadows on the roughly-hewn walls down a long corridor. Their footsteps rang like bells on the hard stone floor. Presently they came to an opening in the wall, whence a cold breeze gently blew.
"I have no memory of this place," muttered Tteh, "because I have not been here before. Should we go through this hole in the wall?"
"A hole in the wall is a proud Cornish tradition", said Killer Lettuce. "I believe we should."
They entered the opening then. It gently sloped down in a winding, undulating pathway. They emerged into a wide cavern. It was shaped like a bowl, the sides curving up to a vertical slope. In the centre of the cavern, a plynth rose up in a series of steps. It raised higher and higher, and at the top of a pyramid was a giant birdcage. Tteh crept closely to the plynth, and as he approached, the darkness slowly lifted to reveal the shape of a man. He was slumped forward in a large chair. The scent of unwashed balls and rancid butter hung fetidly in the air. He looked up at the sound of the approaching footsteps, his face unmistakable even through the thick beard.
"Green?" Tteh whispered. "Is that you?"
The man said nothing, but only looked down again. He spoke, in a dry and cracked voice.
"Yes, it is I, Green. You have found me at last. Please, set me free!"
"Wait" said Killer Lettuce. "How do we know you're not Red, the evil twin brother?"
Green fished in his pocket and pulled out a small blue plastic card. He offered it to Killer Lettuce, showing him the large white letters written upon it; AUTISM ALERT.
"This is my identity", said Green. "I show this to people."
Tteh nodded. "That is all the proof I need. This is truly the real Green! But how did you come to be in a birdcage in the secret hidden dungeon of a curry restaurant? And how do we get you free?"
"It was my evil brother, Red" said Green "He kidnapped me and forced me to do terrible things of which I shall not speak. I can never wear a hat in the same way again, but shall speak no more of this."
"And as for how to get him free", said Killer Lettuce, "I shall take care of that!" He swung his axe at the padlock on the door, and it shattered. "Bollocks", said Killer Lettuce. "I thought that would break the lock."
Tteh rattled the padlock. It opened with a click amd the door swung open.
"My god, it was unlocked all along!" cried Green. "So many faecal accidents that could have been prevented!"
"Indeed, your pants have been shat many times unnecessarily", noted Tteh. "Now we must leave this place, and continue to search for Blue."
"Blue is here? That's not possible!" said Green. His face was pained. "Blue died in a car accident when we were only ten years old."
(Edited 57 seconds later.)
Dr. Chattanooga !!QzKAwjDqY joined in and replied with this 6 years ago, 15 minutes later, 2 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #1,043,763
This is pretty good, but Killer Lettuce's lack of REEEing about how the English county of Cornwall is actually an independednt Celtic nation or some shit is a bit out of character.Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 years ago, 5 days later, 3 weeks after the original post[^] [v] #1,045,777
"This is a serious problem", said Tteh. "How can Blue be dead when he drove us down to this very tin mine?"
"And to whom do these legs belong?" asked a bewildered Killer Lettuce, waving the dismembered legs of the imposter Green in the air.
Green gasped. "My dear brother, Yellow!" He stoically bottled down his grief. "I would recognise his legs anywhere. My god, my god, I will have my vengeance against Red for this, for it was he that captured me..."
"And I too now renew the vow I made unto Yellow, that I should avenge him. Red shall die for his crimes!"
At this point Tteh realised that he had not yet considered how he would get into the tin mine without attracting attention. He looked around the room he was standing in.
"I have created a foolproof plan for getting into the tin mine", said Tteh.
Tteh, Killer Lettuce and Green wobbled uneasily inside the overcoat they had draped over themselves. As the stoutest of the three, Green was the legs. He walked forward confidently. Killer Lettuce was in the middle, in charge of operating the arms. Finally, Tteh was the head. They meandered into the mine entrance and walked to the pit elevator. The operator looked at them.
"No rides without yer elmut, chuck", said he. Green began walking to the helmet station, and Killer Lettuce waved his arms conversationally as Tteh said his thanks to the lift operator.
Upon donning the suitable attire, they bumbled back to the pit shaft lift and began the descent. Shortly afterwards, they bottomed out and emerged into a large cavernous structure. Everywhere was the hustle and bustle of Cornish activity. Barefooted young boys ran here and there, taking tins from the labouring men chained periodically to the walls and delivering them into large carts, which rumbled to a smelter in the main chamber.
"My god", said Tteh.
"What do you see?" asked the muffled voice of Killer Lettuce from inside the overcoat.
The fly of the oversized pants unzipped, and out of the opening emerged a periscope, which scanned the room before disappearing back into the crotch zone.
"We need to head that way", said Green. He pointed towards a doorway on the far side of the cavern. A passing miner shook his head in disgust. "Take a cold shower, man", he said.
The trio walked calmly through the doorway, and when the door closed behind them, crumpled into a heap. Tteh looked around and saw a sign on the door - Foreman's Office. He nodded respectfully.
"Before the action, comes the foreman."
"And to whom do these legs belong?" asked a bewildered Killer Lettuce, waving the dismembered legs of the imposter Green in the air.
Green gasped. "My dear brother, Yellow!" He stoically bottled down his grief. "I would recognise his legs anywhere. My god, my god, I will have my vengeance against Red for this, for it was he that captured me..."
"And I too now renew the vow I made unto Yellow, that I should avenge him. Red shall die for his crimes!"
At this point Tteh realised that he had not yet considered how he would get into the tin mine without attracting attention. He looked around the room he was standing in.
"I have created a foolproof plan for getting into the tin mine", said Tteh.
Tteh, Killer Lettuce and Green wobbled uneasily inside the overcoat they had draped over themselves. As the stoutest of the three, Green was the legs. He walked forward confidently. Killer Lettuce was in the middle, in charge of operating the arms. Finally, Tteh was the head. They meandered into the mine entrance and walked to the pit elevator. The operator looked at them.
"No rides without yer elmut, chuck", said he. Green began walking to the helmet station, and Killer Lettuce waved his arms conversationally as Tteh said his thanks to the lift operator.
Upon donning the suitable attire, they bumbled back to the pit shaft lift and began the descent. Shortly afterwards, they bottomed out and emerged into a large cavernous structure. Everywhere was the hustle and bustle of Cornish activity. Barefooted young boys ran here and there, taking tins from the labouring men chained periodically to the walls and delivering them into large carts, which rumbled to a smelter in the main chamber.
"My god", said Tteh.
"What do you see?" asked the muffled voice of Killer Lettuce from inside the overcoat.
The fly of the oversized pants unzipped, and out of the opening emerged a periscope, which scanned the room before disappearing back into the crotch zone.
"We need to head that way", said Green. He pointed towards a doorway on the far side of the cavern. A passing miner shook his head in disgust. "Take a cold shower, man", he said.
The trio walked calmly through the doorway, and when the door closed behind them, crumpled into a heap. Tteh looked around and saw a sign on the door - Foreman's Office. He nodded respectfully.
"Before the action, comes the foreman."