Topic: how to get away with murder
postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ started this discussion 15 years ago #8,183
step 1: choosing your victim
Okay here's the deal faggot, you don't want to pick anyone you know. No one who lives near you either. If your ex-wife gets killed, you're probably gonna be the prime suspect. I know this is going to weed a lot of you out, because hey "If they didn't wrong me, why should I kill them?" Well if that's your thinking, then you really aren't cut out for cold blooded murder in the first place. Go commit a crime of passion you fruit loop.
Note: Also try to kill out of your city, the first authorities who will be looking are obviously the ones positioned at the scene of the crime. If you kill someone 2 states over, you probably aren't going to get a call any time soon.
After you're sure you don't know them, make sure it's someone nobody gives a fuck about. Avoid the wealthy, celebrities, politicians, etc. Picking up hitch hikers is actually a pretty great strategy. Because if someone needs to hitch hike, chances are there's going to be a smaller search party when no one hears from him/her.
step 2: how to murder.
Now look the best way to safely murder someone would be to poison them, but where's the fun in that? I know a lot of you want to murder someone so you can mutilate a corpse. Or maybe your into torture, or rape, or a combination platter. Whatever your fix, there's a few rules you should follow.
Avoid getting your DNA on the victim, so use a condom, wear biodegradable disposable gloves. If there's something at the scene of the crime that you think may lead the authorities to you, take it with you.
MAJOR RULE NOTE: dead body aside, take all evidence with you. Think you may have gotten a print on her belt buckle, snap the fucker off and put it in your car. Chances are if you've killed someone you live nowhere near, and have zero connection to. They aren't going to be knocking down your door anytime soon looking for possible evidence. (Unless you fucked up). And if they do, you can tell them they need a search warrant.
NOTE on the NOTE: However if you do somehow become the prime suspect and they do get a search warrant, the victim's torn up belongings in your house aren't going to look good for you. So keep that in mind. But chances are if you're that far in the red, you just weren't cut out for murder.
STEP 3: DISPOSAL
Often times disposal is very simple, just leave it there. the more you mess with it, the greater the odds you're gonna fuck up and leave evidence. But depending on what your method of murder was, you may choose one of several options.
1.LEAVE IT THERE, IN THE OPEN. if you didn't do much with it, you can just leave it on the side of the road. chances are they won't even call it murder right away, and you can let people have a nice funeral or whatever.
2. TAKE IT WITH YOU AND BURY IT IN YOUR BACK YARD.- This option is for if you really fucked with the body to the point where it's very clear someone rape/murdered it with a knife. Cut the body up, and and pile it in a deep hole. (minimum of 6 feet, don't skimp out on this, you really don't want a body floating up next summer rain) This idea is fun because eventually the body will decompose and the evidence just sort of vanishes.
3. incinerate it. If you work at a funeral home, do this. if the body is ashes, there's pretty much no evidence there.
Okay so there you go, you've successfully found a victim, murdered them, and done away with their corpse. Have fun.
BONUS TIME 1: killing someone you know!!
this is easy.
Obtain roofies, give one to your victim. Put them in grave you made while they're sleeping. They'll wake up as not your problem. Be sure to take and destroy their phone though. I mean I don't think one would get service 6 feet under ground, but you wanna be sure.
Oh and if you go to court act really upset about, and if you don't think you can handle a lie detector test, act indignant about taking one. "How dare you ask me to take this test, AS IF I AM A SUSPECT" whatever.
Then also if you wanna kill someone people assume you love, make the call after you kill them. "Oh I found my kid in the bottom of a pool" doesn't usually lead to "YOU MURDERED IT" very quickly.
NOTE: killing kids who can't swim is easy mode, just put them in the pool, and don't pay attention.
HOPE I HELPED
Okay here's the deal faggot, you don't want to pick anyone you know. No one who lives near you either. If your ex-wife gets killed, you're probably gonna be the prime suspect. I know this is going to weed a lot of you out, because hey "If they didn't wrong me, why should I kill them?" Well if that's your thinking, then you really aren't cut out for cold blooded murder in the first place. Go commit a crime of passion you fruit loop.
Note: Also try to kill out of your city, the first authorities who will be looking are obviously the ones positioned at the scene of the crime. If you kill someone 2 states over, you probably aren't going to get a call any time soon.
After you're sure you don't know them, make sure it's someone nobody gives a fuck about. Avoid the wealthy, celebrities, politicians, etc. Picking up hitch hikers is actually a pretty great strategy. Because if someone needs to hitch hike, chances are there's going to be a smaller search party when no one hears from him/her.
step 2: how to murder.
Now look the best way to safely murder someone would be to poison them, but where's the fun in that? I know a lot of you want to murder someone so you can mutilate a corpse. Or maybe your into torture, or rape, or a combination platter. Whatever your fix, there's a few rules you should follow.
Avoid getting your DNA on the victim, so use a condom, wear biodegradable disposable gloves. If there's something at the scene of the crime that you think may lead the authorities to you, take it with you.
MAJOR RULE NOTE: dead body aside, take all evidence with you. Think you may have gotten a print on her belt buckle, snap the fucker off and put it in your car. Chances are if you've killed someone you live nowhere near, and have zero connection to. They aren't going to be knocking down your door anytime soon looking for possible evidence. (Unless you fucked up). And if they do, you can tell them they need a search warrant.
NOTE on the NOTE: However if you do somehow become the prime suspect and they do get a search warrant, the victim's torn up belongings in your house aren't going to look good for you. So keep that in mind. But chances are if you're that far in the red, you just weren't cut out for murder.
STEP 3: DISPOSAL
Often times disposal is very simple, just leave it there. the more you mess with it, the greater the odds you're gonna fuck up and leave evidence. But depending on what your method of murder was, you may choose one of several options.
1.LEAVE IT THERE, IN THE OPEN. if you didn't do much with it, you can just leave it on the side of the road. chances are they won't even call it murder right away, and you can let people have a nice funeral or whatever.
2. TAKE IT WITH YOU AND BURY IT IN YOUR BACK YARD.- This option is for if you really fucked with the body to the point where it's very clear someone rape/murdered it with a knife. Cut the body up, and and pile it in a deep hole. (minimum of 6 feet, don't skimp out on this, you really don't want a body floating up next summer rain) This idea is fun because eventually the body will decompose and the evidence just sort of vanishes.
3. incinerate it. If you work at a funeral home, do this. if the body is ashes, there's pretty much no evidence there.
Okay so there you go, you've successfully found a victim, murdered them, and done away with their corpse. Have fun.
BONUS TIME 1: killing someone you know!!
this is easy.
Obtain roofies, give one to your victim. Put them in grave you made while they're sleeping. They'll wake up as not your problem. Be sure to take and destroy their phone though. I mean I don't think one would get service 6 feet under ground, but you wanna be sure.
Oh and if you go to court act really upset about, and if you don't think you can handle a lie detector test, act indignant about taking one. "How dare you ask me to take this test, AS IF I AM A SUSPECT" whatever.
Then also if you wanna kill someone people assume you love, make the call after you kill them. "Oh I found my kid in the bottom of a pool" doesn't usually lead to "YOU MURDERED IT" very quickly.
NOTE: killing kids who can't swim is easy mode, just put them in the pool, and don't pay attention.
HOPE I HELPED
Handel !khEOdtKF56 joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 7 minutes later[^] [v] #142,981
So you've murdered someone before OP?
swamplights !!V3J448+/B joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 1 minute later, 8 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #142,985
I would never bury a body on my own property.
dreamworks joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 52 seconds later, 9 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #142,987
thanks this is usefulpostmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 4 minutes later, 13 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #142,994
@142,985 (swamplights !!V3J448+/B)
You are in control of who steps foot on your own property, which makes it ideal.
You are in control of who steps foot on your own property, which makes it ideal.
postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) double-posted this 15 years ago, 1 minute later, 14 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #142,999
@142,981 (Handel !khEOdtKF56)
No, but I've helped plan murders. And I've had the honor of being a witness.
No, but I've helped plan murders. And I've had the honor of being a witness.
Anonymous E joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 4 minutes later, 18 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #143,007
@142,987 (dreamworks)
Nah. It says you are probably "not cut out for this" instead of explaining how to actually murder someone.
Nah. It says you are probably "not cut out for this" instead of explaining how to actually murder someone.
Triptych !!DP4/G/5A6 joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 53 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #143,055
You're a fucking moron. Don't ever bury someone on your own property.
There are two ways of going about this:
First, shoot someone from far away on a dark night and just leave the body.
Be extremely meticulous. I could go into much more detail if needed.
In either case, you'll likely get away with it.
There are two ways of going about this:
First, shoot someone from far away on a dark night and just leave the body.
Be extremely meticulous. I could go into much more detail if needed.
In either case, you'll likely get away with it.