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Anonymous A started this discussion 7 years ago#79,865
I'm 33 and still a virgin and have never had a girlfriend. I have a humiliation fetish that involves me getting off on being humiliated in diapers and dresses.
I thought I could just accept this fetish as a harmless thing and it wasn't a big deal. I thought maybe I just need to find the right woman or something. But it has caused me tons and tons of pain. Growing up I had no friends. I was picked on and teased. I was put on medication and taken to therapy. Every day I would masturbate to fantasies of diaper humiliation. This fetish caused me to isolate myself and keep quiet because I didn't want anyone to know my secret. I was shy and quiet and scared of other kids because I didn't want them to know my secret.
I thought I could just accept it and move on. But I just couldn't. It just caused me nothing but pain and misery and I wanted to quit. I tried throwing my panties and diapers away, but it just never worked. I kept returning back to my fetish.
Growing up I did a lot of shameful things to get off. I remember crossdressing at around the age of 8 or so. For some reason, I just had this strong urge to wear a skirt. And things just built up from there. I used towels and doggy training pads and stapling them together to create a diaper. I remember using towels and my sister’s puffy jacket to create diapers. I remember shitting myself and pissing myself in the shower. I remember wearing multiple pairs of tighty whities to create a diaper. All these shameful things I did growing up, feel like trauma. I feel traumatized by what I did to myself.
I just feel sick to my stomach thinking of this stuff. It really haunts me that I did all of these shameful things to myself. I’m embarrassed by myself. And I remember cumming all over a canvas in my room and calling it at one time, and my mother finding it and being disgusted. I was a fucked up kid growing up.
My relationship with my mother is strained. It’s hard to look her in the eye with her knowing all of these horrible things about me. She still loves me no matter what, and I just feel so ashamed of myself that I just want to die.
I’m just so fucking ashamed of myself for growing up like this. I thought I could just accept this as a simple fetish. But it just doesn’t feel like it. I thought I could join Fetlife and meet other people like me, but that just isn't going to solve anything.
I’m ashamed of myself for growing up and masturbating every day to fantasies of diaper humiliation. I’m just so sick of it I just want to stop.
Everyone always says I look so sad or upset. At work, I was told by multiple people that I look sad, upset, miserable and bored. My coworker asked me why I look so sad and upset and asked what was wrong. My manager said he was worried about me.
It’s not like I can tell people why I’m depressed. I’m depressed because I have a fetish that ruined a lot of my life. I just can’t talk to people about it. I feel alone in the regard.
I feel like my diaper/crossdressing humiliation fetish caused the majority of my depression. I felt alone. I felt like a freak. I grew up doing these horrible and embarrassing things to myself, I feel so fucked up and warped from the damage I did.
How do I become comfortable with my family? Yeah, I go with my parents to the movies, but I still feel…ashamed of what they know about me? I just feel upset they know something I don’t want them to know? They still love me, but….I have a hard time loving them back and it breaks my heart…and I feel it’s all because of this stupid fetish.
Why did I grow up wanting to humiliate myself so badly? What’s the reason for that?
About two months ago I decided I had enough. I was just sick of everything and wanted to change. So I threw away all my diapers, dresses, panties, dildos, bras, and rubber PVC suits into the trash. I just had enough. I stopped masturbating for two months now and I just never want to return to that darkness.
I hate how people say you should love yourself and accept yourself for what you like. Life is short, so enjoy yourself and accept your fetishes. But that's not who I want to be. I don't want to grow up any longer with these fetishes holding me back in life.
The worst part about this is my family knows. My sister found all my diapers and was disgusted and threw them in the trash. I meekly just fished them out of the trash and put them back in the box and hid them in the basement.
I just wish I never had this fetish since it caused me so much self hate and loathing. No woman is going to enjoy humiliating her SO in diapers and love them. Okay, sure...maybe there will be someone out there, but it's just an unrealistic fantasy.
I also HEAVILY watched humiliation porn. I watched diaper porn just about everyday. I looked at cartoons and hentai depicting diaper humiliation. I read erotica and comics involving this fetish. I even spent money on porn videos and also dominatrixes. I've just been through a lot. I got very DEEP into this fetish.
I just...wanted to stop indulging in this stupid fetish which does nothing good for me. If it was acceptable, I wouldn't be feeling so depressed and suicidal over it. Yeah, I feel suicidal over a fucking diaper fetish, isn't that insane?
Just look at my post history and see how fucked up I am. I'm miserable, lonely, and depressed. I only have one friend and he has NO idea about all of this fetish. I don't want him to ever know because he would look at me differently. Maybe in the future years from now, I can just say "Hey I used to have a fetish for humiliation, but I changed my way of thinking and don't get into that stuff anymore"
I just want to be happy. This fetish makes me very unhappy, so I quit.