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postmortem started this discussion 10 years ago#55,329
okay they have announced that i am coming on to the stage and they're going wild because they are a polite crowd
i come on to the stagw and i have a smoke in my ear and i bow and i say thank you and they quiet down. i pat myself down looking for a lighter and im like damn i lost my lighter can i get a light and i get one from someone in the front row and i lite my smoke and for now the audience is captivated. i pocket the lighter. everybody is silently like oh shit he stole that dudes lighter does he know? and then a few moments later im like 'oh sorry bro. i got a bad habit im a lighter theif. here you go' and i hand it back to him. 'so yeah ive got a bad habit.' everyone goes ooooh. im like 'no its not smoking. i steal lighters. you do it too' i make eye contact and point at one individual. the cover their mouth and squirm in their seat because they arent a smoker. 'i see you'. the crowd doesnt know if they like my routine anymore at this point but they laugh politely. so im like 'i steal lighters but i never get mine stolen. i have a method ill let u in on it. this is how i know i lost my lighter and it didnt get stolen. see, i coat my lighters in vaseline.' crowd goes what? vaseline on his lighter? is it flammable? safe? thats gross. they start to laugh uncomfortably. 'why do i do it? yeah yall are looking at me like im crazy. but it works!! see, i figure that everybody has the same bic lighter. and theyre not lookin at em to see what color they are, or nothin. just grabbin em and feelin em. so how am i supposed to know when a lighter isnt mine? they all feel the damn same. i figured if i make my bic feel different, people will remember to give it back. and they do! see? im not joking' at this point i put my hand into my jeans pocket and pull it out to reveal my glistening, vaseline covered hand. 'no joke' i say. the crowd is mildly receptive
Metæ replied with this 10 years ago, 1 hour later, 20 hours after the original post[^][v]#716,360
@716,330 (postmortem)
"Hey guys I have a neat trick to keep people from stealing my lighter I cover it in Vaseline so it's all greasy and I get permanent grease stains in my jeans pocket!"
I'd rather listen to an hour of "what's the deal with airline food" jokes.
kook !!OPZbEQMT1 replied with this 10 years ago, 42 minutes later, 21 hours after the original post[^][v]#716,366
You need to develop a youtube personality. Stand up isnt for you
Fake anon !ZkUt8arUCU joined in and replied with this 10 years ago, 1 hour later, 23 hours after the original post[^][v]#716,375
Not every idea is a winner.
postmortem (OP) replied with this 10 years ago, 12 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^][v]#716,485