Topic: I enjoy Lady Gaga.
Catherine !TGirlYJKXM started this discussion 11 years ago #42,534
Does this make me a faggot?
Lemon Drop !CITRUS3QCY joined in and replied with this 11 years ago, 7 hours later[^] [v] #564,382
*Lord Gaga
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@564,404 (Lemon Drop !CITRUS3QCY)Just because her tits aren't as big as yours doesn't mean she's a man.
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法轮功 joined in and replied with this 11 years ago, 4 hours later, 23 hours after the original post[^] [v] #564,610
This is an expansion of a comment I wrote on another thread. Here I'd like to try and explain (if only for myself) my enjoyment of what I intellectually know to be horrific and abhorrent trolling.I suppose it is an issue of desensitisation. I enjoy watching autistic people suffer, especially the emotional torture of Matt Miller. I suppose a part of it is that it is at a very safe distance from me. In a way it is a confirmation of how I live. I am wasting my life and my talents and if I can believe that the world is a Godless, uncontrolled and indifferent absurdity it helps me to not go crazy. I have inside me a lot of frustration and guilt at what I have made of my life. I was an excellent student at school and university, everybody expected me to go on to great things. I did not. For me, seeing the absolute lowest that humans can slump to (and with nothing to intervene, nothing to help the victim) it makes it easier for me to slowly decay, safe in the knowledge that everything is worth nothing in the end and that there is not right or wrong, no good or bad, I will become the same pile of putrified dust as Shakespeare and Beethoven. This all sounds pretentious I know, it sounds like I am reaching for a reason to be a troll. But I assure you that isn't what I'm doing. I am still quite young, I have a girlfriend, a fairly decent job, and so on. But I have made less than 1 percent of the mind I was born with, and I am almost too old to do anything about that now. Actually, that's not strictly true. I'm too fucking lazy to do anything about it. It is so much easier to slide down into the mud. After some time, you learn that being down in the mud can be a thrilling place to be, a sick and safe and secretive place, outside of all the expectations and pressures of society.
When I watch Matt Miller being very obviously tortured I feel a mixture of sickness and great arousal. The odd thing is that if I ever met that man who did those things to him in life I would murder him without hesitation. I would also never do anything to harm anyone; least of all an autistic. A week ago I was walking home from the supermarket with my girlfriend and a little retarded girl was crying. I felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. But paradoxically I enjoy watching Matt Miller being trolled. Because when I read those threads they always seem like fantasy to me. Intellectually I know, somewhere in the back of my mind, that the abuse I am watching is very real, but when I open those threads and drop my trousers I am in a different world; a very detached world which shows a real-life version of my deepest and sickest fantasies (where those come from is another issue and is best left to Freudian analysts). When I first saw the heavier of the Matt Miller threads I felt sick. Physically sick. But they aroused me nonetheless. That one thread where he is posting updates about GHOUL and several anons repeatedly tell him to die in a fire made me sick to my stomach; but it also thrilled me. Such an absolute destruction and corruption of innocence. It mirrors what I have done to myself. There is another thread (mentioned on this site before) in which Matt Miller gets trolled in the anus whilst bawwing about sK. Again, it is just about as horrific as the human mind could imagine. But it is thrilling. The thread about Matt Miller being violently fisted is by far the absolute zenith of the degree of evil the human mind can conjure and act out (at least that I have seen). But after the initial feeling of nausea has passed, there is that very strange - almost ethereal - joy at having confirmation that we live in a a completely uncontrolled and Godless world. To see something which goes against every single inherent moral fibre of our being. To see innocence destroyed before our eyes. It is a very powerful, primal, sexual feeling. And over time it destroys your conscience. When you start down the road that I took a few years ago there is really no limit to how deep that bar can get lowered.
I stopped trolling Matt Miller a few months ago, simply because I moved in with my girlfriend and she uses my computer. But there is still that sick and poisoned aspect to my character. There are times, when we are having sex, when I remember some of the more brutal threads from Minichan I have seen.
In conclusion (and now that I have finished I do not think I have understood anything more about myself than I did before I began, but anyway, I've come this far so I'll go ahead and post this) I troll Matt Miller because I need to believe that I am part of an accidental species which was born from dust and will return to it. It makes it easier for me to live with the abomination that I have made of my 'soul'.
This has been very pretentious, I know, but it's the best I could do.