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Topic: the truth about me.

postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ started this discussion 12 years ago #36,027

I do a lot of lying on here, mixed in with a lot of embellishment, character playing, and some truth. I am on adderal right now (prescribed, proper dosage.) So, I figured I would go ahead, and give the most honest assessment of myself that I can.

I believe that I am an intelligent person, not by any means the most intelligent or even close to it, but I do not believe that I am just flat out stupid. I am rather good at sounding intelligent, and during school a lot of people usually pick me for group projects on the basis that I was clearly the "smart kid". Even in areas where I really had no clue what I was doing in the slightest. It isn't even something I've really worked on, but I suppose it's a high point. I am good at making a little knowledge seem like a lot of knowledge. I remember talking to my friend's parents about my language studies, and speaking french for them, I did as well as I could, but fudged a few words, and mixed up the words I knew in as many ways as I could. They were impressed. My friend seemed to be about as skilled as I was, but had 3 years more experience in his language, german. But while he was completely honest, and nervous under pressure, I again just said a bunch of french sounding shit, and made up reasonable translations, so to the people who neither language we looked about equal. He even angrily protested that I was only in a year one class, and his parents made a statement about how all the more impressive it was that I knew so much.

I am, however, terrible at driving and directions. I used a gps to get to one of my jobs for a month before I actually remembered how to get there. I could not survive without my gps. I also can't parallel park, or even back up into parking places. Ironically I got a 97 on my driving exam first try. The 3% being because I parallel parked really shitty, and just barely technically legal. I saw so many other kids try to get it perfect only to fail because they touched the curb.

I also tried skateboarding for a long time, but could never even accomplish an ollie, which is like the thing you learn on the 5th day for a lot of people. And guitar I did for years, but could never really master. Piano I am actually fairly decent at. I also used to be able to play clarinet pretty well. I really don't know how good I am at singing. I know that I have a pretty decent range, I can hit lower notes than most people, and I have a higher, and more clean falsetto than most people. Both of these have actually taken years of practice, and 10 years in choir. I have a medal for an ayria I sang at a choir event. Not really a contest, but you had to audition to even partake, and then a critic gave you a 1-3 rating. 1 being the best. I got a 1, hooray for me. However, some people just don't like my singing. And I don't have that boyish tenor voice that so many girls love so much.

Okay, let's just go ahead, and move on to my mental state. That seems to be the biggest thing about me on here, other than the fact that Minichan does a nightly gang bang with Kirby. I'll tell you what I know for certain first. I have ADD, was diagnosed when I was about 6 years old, and I fit every single critereon of the disorder. I have also been officially diagnosed with "General Anxiety Disorder", and "depression" in the past.

While I have never been officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I have been put on Bipolar medication. Which was just mood stabilizers, and ativan.

Am I a narcissist or a sociopath? Well, as far as the experts are concerned "Maybe?". I went to a therapist when I was about 18, and at one point she printed out the section regarding Cluster B personality disorders, and asked me if I thought it sounded like me. I'll give the main points of some of the traits of both disorders, and tell you where I believe I fall.

Narcissism:
Delusions of grandeur: Yes, and no. Emotionally I am very entitled, egocentric, and feel like I am the best ever. However, I can logically acknowledge that I am not the prettiest/smartest/whathaveyou. So I don't think that I could really be considered delusional in that aspect. But really it's a matter of "If one knows they are a narcissist, are they really a narcissist?"

Need for attention/praise/affection: Yes, obviously so. Look at what I am doing here.

Egocentricity: Yes. I am my favorite person. I can actually talk to myself in a mirror for hours. While I do care about other people, it will never be as much as I care about myself.

Antisocial Personality Disorder:
Lack of Conscience: I have a sort of convenient morality. I look at the direct consequences of my actions, and go from there. For example I never felt guilty about lying to Lexi as much as I did, about where I was, who I was with etc. because in my mind if she never knew then she was happy, and no idea, what difference did it make really? And to the "what if she did the same to you?" Well, if I really had no idea she was lying to me then I would have no emotions towards it. A lot of my conscience is also just very low, not non-existent, but low. If I directly hurt someone, I feel bad, but for a very short period of time, and I am very good at self justification.

Shallow emotions: I have no idea. I know I have emotions, but since I can't compare how I feel internally to how other people feel internally, I can not say for certain. But I think probably, if I am being honest. I have very short lived bursts of passion for the most part. I kind of feel 20% and take it to 90%. I can also completely turn off my emotions pretty easily, they have always ultimately felt like an option to me.

Lack of empathy: I have empathy, but it's a lower amount. I can see someone get hurt, and feel a sort of cringey feeling, but it's never enough for me to walk away or truly be disturbed.

Patholigical lying: Yeah, all the time. Since I was a kid. It's easier for me to lie than tell the truth, and not just from a strategic/convenience standpoint, my physical inclination is to bullshit, and it's a challenge for me to really be honest. I am actually pretty decent at on the fly stories, and I don't get tongue tied easily. Keeping up with lies is easy too, it's not a matter of having the greatest memory in the world, if someone ever calls me out on a lie, I just very confidently insist that they must have misheard, and that I would never lie. It usually works because who is the listener to know more about my life than I do? And most people realize they err.

Poor impulse control: Yes, but with a limit. I have angry outbursts, I speed, I take drugs, etc. But I have never been a crippled addict, I have never killed anyone, or choked my girlfriend, etc. I once angrily slapped kirby on the upper leg. But even then I had the foresight to not hit too hard, not punch, hit a part where I could show anger, but also parlay it into partly sexual. Ass would be too sexual.

Trouble with authority: Yeah, I called my teachers names when I was a kid, I shoplifted and stole at a very early age, I got in fights as a kid, etc.

Other odd things: I have that "stare" thing, I wet the bed for a long time, I tortured animals at an early age.

Other odd non-sociopathy things: I cry during certain movies and songs, I still look back fondly at both Kirby and Lexi, and in all honesty even miss them a little. I am very opposed to rape, and am disgusted by anyone who actually commits the act, it's really the one thing I do judge people for. Really everything else has a reasonable justification in my mind. Even murder. But the reason for rape is petty, the act itself is damaging to the victim, it's just an all around shitty thing.

Anywho, that's all. No one will read this, I wouldnt read this. Fucking adderal.

(Edited 5 minutes later.)

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Anonymous B joined in and replied with this 12 years ago, 38 minutes later[^] [v] #493,024

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@ OP

kill yourself

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