Topic: downward spiral
Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ started this discussion 12 years ago #35,213
Last time I saw Kirby I hadnt seen her in a week, while she was with me she was texting another guy, I found out they were flirting with each other, but nothing heavy.
She goes to her lake house to see her Dad, im not invited because her sister and sister's husband hate me, more or less, it would just be awkward if I went.
Think about little she texts me now, think about this other guy who sees her at work every day, try to get 2nd job to pay bills in the midst of all this, try to still get party thing going. People who want to get involved are unreliable, I just want to fucking do the thing, I can barely get a hold of them and when I do they just want to get high and talk about how cool it's going to be.
Start smoking almost 2 packs a day, snorting cocaine, drinking heavily, taking muscle relaxers, sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. Last night text kirby I love her, and she ignores it, after that I took a bunch of concerta and muscle relaxers to numb the ensuing panic.
Fighting the urge to send her a "wtf why are you doing this?" Type message. Just trying to do my best to be productive during all of this.
We are supposed to hang out on the 20th of this month, it's our anniversary, and it's important to me. It's been on the agenda since the beginning of the month. If she cancels for whatever reason, I dont know how im going to react, but I know it isnt well.
So tldr girlfriend is being distant, and im blocking my misery with people and drugs
She goes to her lake house to see her Dad, im not invited because her sister and sister's husband hate me, more or less, it would just be awkward if I went.
Think about little she texts me now, think about this other guy who sees her at work every day, try to get 2nd job to pay bills in the midst of all this, try to still get party thing going. People who want to get involved are unreliable, I just want to fucking do the thing, I can barely get a hold of them and when I do they just want to get high and talk about how cool it's going to be.
Start smoking almost 2 packs a day, snorting cocaine, drinking heavily, taking muscle relaxers, sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. Last night text kirby I love her, and she ignores it, after that I took a bunch of concerta and muscle relaxers to numb the ensuing panic.
Fighting the urge to send her a "wtf why are you doing this?" Type message. Just trying to do my best to be productive during all of this.
We are supposed to hang out on the 20th of this month, it's our anniversary, and it's important to me. It's been on the agenda since the beginning of the month. If she cancels for whatever reason, I dont know how im going to react, but I know it isnt well.
So tldr girlfriend is being distant, and im blocking my misery with people and drugs
Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) double-posted this 12 years ago, 2 minutes later[^] [v] #484,665
Also just to clarify. She ignored the "I love you" bit, she still texted me. So it isnt like she didnt have her phone on her.
Syntax joined in and replied with this 12 years ago, 1 minute later, 3 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,666
> Start smoking almost 2 packs a day, snorting cocaine, drinking heavily, taking muscle relaxers, sleeping about 3-4 hours a night.
You?
You?
Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) replied with this 12 years ago, 1 minute later, 5 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,668
Syntax replied with this 12 years ago, 3 minutes later, 8 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,670
@previous (Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+)
So tell me this - If you met a girl who
> Start smoking almost 2 packs a day, snorting cocaine, drinking heavily, taking muscle relaxers, sleeping about 3-4 hours a night.
Wood you bother to date a girl as such?
downward spiral
Hate just hate to see you heading that way. You have a functional body - can enjoy life - get GF's and you have watched people like a unnamed Brit, turn totally downward.
I just do not get it. At this point I am at loss for words to say to you.
So tell me this - If you met a girl who
> Start smoking almost 2 packs a day, snorting cocaine, drinking heavily, taking muscle relaxers, sleeping about 3-4 hours a night.
Wood you bother to date a girl as such?
downward spiral
Hate just hate to see you heading that way. You have a functional body - can enjoy life - get GF's and you have watched people like a unnamed Brit, turn totally downward.
I just do not get it. At this point I am at loss for words to say to you.
Anonymous C joined in and replied with this 12 years ago, 12 minutes later, 21 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,672
This... This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean when I'm talkin' about time, and death, and futility. all right there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. 14 straight hours of staring at DB's, these are the things ya think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture, doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read 'em. You know what you see? They welcomed it... not at first, but... right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, cause they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just... let go. Yeah They saw, in that last nanosecond, they saw... what they were. You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain, it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person. And like a lot of dreams, there's a monster at the end of it.
Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 12 years ago, 2 minutes later, 23 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,673
Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) replied with this 12 years ago, 7 minutes later, 31 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,675
@484,670 (Syntax)
I probably would actually, kirby and I both used a lot of drugs when we first met, hallucinogens more than things like coke, but there was certainly a lot of drinking and such.
Im trying my damndest to be productive and not just hit a rock bottom of depression and anxiety, so im taking drugs that numb me/and or increase my production. Im not sleeping because all of my dreams are nightmares, and since im up until 10am or so, I dont want to not be up until 6-7, so I opt to just sleep less and wake up in the afternoon which is a bit better in my mind.
Though im determined to make this work,and I have some decent prospects here, I have learned a valuable lesson.I need to pursue things that are valuable to me, I need to follow my own dreams instead of chasing some girl and her dreams. I based my future, my existence on someone else, and it's dawning on me how much of a risk that was, how much I work into maintaining something that could go away despite my best efforts.
I have a friend who wants do these parties with me as well, but he also wants to move to California at some point. If these parties take off im going to california with him to try and make it over there. If not then im going wherever I think I'll be most successful.
Sure theres a good chance this will all fail, but id rather fail on my own merits than because a girl decided im lame now.
That being said if Kirby does decide she really loves me again, ill probably change my tune.
I probably would actually, kirby and I both used a lot of drugs when we first met, hallucinogens more than things like coke, but there was certainly a lot of drinking and such.
Im trying my damndest to be productive and not just hit a rock bottom of depression and anxiety, so im taking drugs that numb me/and or increase my production. Im not sleeping because all of my dreams are nightmares, and since im up until 10am or so, I dont want to not be up until 6-7, so I opt to just sleep less and wake up in the afternoon which is a bit better in my mind.
Though im determined to make this work,and I have some decent prospects here, I have learned a valuable lesson.I need to pursue things that are valuable to me, I need to follow my own dreams instead of chasing some girl and her dreams. I based my future, my existence on someone else, and it's dawning on me how much of a risk that was, how much I work into maintaining something that could go away despite my best efforts.
I have a friend who wants do these parties with me as well, but he also wants to move to California at some point. If these parties take off im going to california with him to try and make it over there. If not then im going wherever I think I'll be most successful.
Sure theres a good chance this will all fail, but id rather fail on my own merits than because a girl decided im lame now.
That being said if Kirby does decide she really loves me again, ill probably change my tune.
Syntax replied with this 12 years ago, 8 minutes later, 40 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,677
@previous (Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+)> Though im determined to make this work,and I have some decent prospects here, I have learned a valuable lesson.I need to pursue things that are valuable to me, I need to follow my own dreams instead of chasing >some girl and her dreams. I based my future, my existence on someone else, and it's dawning on me how much of a risk that was, how much I work into maintaining something that could go away despite my best >efforts.
You should print that out and put up on your bathroom mirror and read daily.
> im going to california with him to try and make it over there. If not then im going wherever I think I'll be most successful.
So many things I could say to that statement - Given I live in SoCal - I will just back off from many a humorous but not helpful reply.
> That being said if Kirby does decide she really loves me again, ill probably change my tune.
Naw there is how you end up failing. Putting your eggs in any one girls basket only means - let me revert to a famous rhyme.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again
Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) replied with this 12 years ago, 12 minutes later, 52 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #484,678
@previous (Syntax)
See before I moved out here, I made plans to go to LA to pursue acting with my friend, it's something that I wantedto do, and we both made this "no girl will get in the way of this" sort of pact, I fell in love hard with Kirby, and broke that pact. Thinking Kirby was for sure the love of my life,I figured following her was the way to go. I dont even know if I regret my decision yet, I dont think I do.
Im actually from socal, and so is this new friend, we'd actually met in california before, and he's met my family. The odds of that to me seem like a 1 in a million type thing. And it wouldnt have happened if I didnt move out here. So maybe thats significant. I know it will all work out, it always does, every time my lifeIs about to hit rock bottom things suddenly start going well. Last time Kirby was my saviour, maybe it'll be something else this time.
See before I moved out here, I made plans to go to LA to pursue acting with my friend, it's something that I wantedto do, and we both made this "no girl will get in the way of this" sort of pact, I fell in love hard with Kirby, and broke that pact. Thinking Kirby was for sure the love of my life,I figured following her was the way to go. I dont even know if I regret my decision yet, I dont think I do.
Im actually from socal, and so is this new friend, we'd actually met in california before, and he's met my family. The odds of that to me seem like a 1 in a million type thing. And it wouldnt have happened if I didnt move out here. So maybe thats significant. I know it will all work out, it always does, every time my lifeIs about to hit rock bottom things suddenly start going well. Last time Kirby was my saviour, maybe it'll be something else this time.
Syntax replied with this 12 years ago, 17 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^] [v] #484,680
@previous (Postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+)
Honestly I think you have a chance in the comedy biz.
I need to find some more comedy in So Cal Ocean a Blue so C ya later.
Honestly I think you have a chance in the comedy biz.
I need to find some more comedy in So Cal Ocean a Blue so C ya later.