I really want to know now.
All I know is that it took them weeks to find all the body parts.
Okay, fine. Here's the story:
We are at the Cheesecake Factory. We eat. I fail to tip (again) and we are starting to leave when one of the waitresses makes a remark about how Cupcake can possibly be going out with such a stingy fuck who gets all bent out of shape about every little thing. They surround us and start shouting at me. I'm scared. I'm holding Cupcake in front of me to protect me in case anyone kicks my junk. Cupcake gets pulled out of my arms by some large guy dressed in green. He looks like Alex Trebek.
Anyway, people continue shouting at me like I shout at my dog. I'm curled up on the floor now scared and confused. This guy in a lizard mask steps forward. He says, "Hey John, Cupcake is going to decide what you can and can't do on the Internet from now on." I don't know what to say, but he glares at me.
"A-A-a-re you a reptil-"
"SHUT UP!", he cuts me off. "Never speak those lies again. As I was saying... Cupcake is now going to determine what you can and can't do on the Internet. Here's the catch: She's going to do it INDIRECTLY! If you do something she dislikes, she won't tell you. She will just start acting weird and neurotic every time you do something that makes her fragile ego feel threatened. She will openly tell everyone else about it, but she won't tell you. She will tell her relationship problems to people she barely knows, but she won't bring them up with you. She will then hint at the problem, whine, and act in a passive-aggressive manner until you figure out what she is pissy about. Under
no circumstances will she tell you outright. Do you understand?"
I mustered all the bravery I could and asked: "Why would anybody do that?"
He looked me over, his scaly face searching me for emotion. "Well, because some people seem to lack the ability to 'lay the turd on the table', as it were, to state the problem openly and plainly. In short: they're scared."
"W-w-hat??", I said.
"BECAUSE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NEUROTIC SHITSTAINS LIKE YOU NEED TO BE TAUGHT WHAT IT IS LIKE TO TRY TO DEAL WITH SOME FUCK THAT YOU CARE ABOUT WHO OVERTHINKS EVERY LITTLE THING!", he shouted. He looked almost like a velociraptor now.
"I don't understand...", I pleaded, "Cupcake is a rational girl. She says what she means. Why would you change her like this??"
He looked me over. Eventually, with a smile, he said, "We have brainwashed her. We have forced her to watch every movie Woody Allen has ever made. She is so neurotic and passive-aggressive that you couldn't suggest a drink of water to her while wandering through the desert without her stammering uncontrollably and asking you what you thought before she accepted. In short, SHE HAS NO BACKBONE!"
"Is that wise?", I stammered.
"I DON'T KNOW! WHAT THE
FUCK DO YOU THINK? YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER NEUROTIC, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT!!", he straightened up, "Let us know how YOU like it! HAVE FUN!"
I was still curled up on the floor like all of this was a bad dream. I opened one eye.
Nope.
Still at the Cheesecake Factory.
Still curled up on the floor.
I saw the man walking away. I saw the heel of his boot. It turned about.
"In case you are worried about Cupcake...", the man intoned, "Don't be!"
"I wasn't!" I whined.
"We have asked her repeatedly", he continued unsurprised, "about the emotional conditioning she has been through and whether she wants to go through with it. In the end, we told her that you might stop over-analyzing everything and be a man for once. She said that she she would be willing to be a paranoid, insecure emotional wreck for a while if it would make you better in the end."
Then he left.
After Cupcake peeled me off the floor, I tried to take her home with dignity. I have been trying to be a
real boyfriend ever since.
(Edited 9 minutes later.)
@409,566 (Postmortem !kE6TIGkF36)
Not me. Please do not pretend to be me.
@409,595 (kook !!32zdfdzi+)
Holy shit. I don't even remember writing most of this. Minichan drunk-posting seemed fun at the time.
@previous (D)
It was very coherent and clever for a drunk post. Most of the drunk posts around here are like "i <3 yogapants" or "fora i shat in hat here are pics".
(Edited 19 seconds later.)
@410,515 (Killer Lettuce !!iNo3FkiZx)
Green and Walter are not the only drunk posters on Minichan. Thanks.
@previous (henn the lord of cocks)
I'm sorry, henn. You're just not weird enough when you drunkpost.
@previous (Killer Lettuce !!iNo3FkiZx)
Until he shits into a hat, he's just too
normal for Minichan.