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Anonymous A started this discussion 14 years ago#20,751
My life has always been a mess. And then I found her profile on the internet. On the outside, she was a lot like me... Nicknames, birthplace, age, sign, birthday, hobbies, tastes, personality.
Except she had everything I wish I had. Everything that made me look for someone who could save me.
Then I realized I had known her before. Everything was coincidental, I was amazed. We exchanged messages. It was okay, but it meant a lot more to me than it did to her, to put it simply. Facts about myself reminded me of her, so I kept going back to her. I was young, I stalked because I didn't know what I was doing or how harmful it could be.
Before I knew it, it had turned into an habit. The more I stalked, the harder it was to let go, the more I felt like I needed it.
Letting go is so difficult, even though I know how much I need it. I've been stuck for all of my teenage years, it's been 4 or 5 years. I can't grow up and let it go, but she did, and this only makes me more jealous.
When I'm at a low, I feel like stalking. I need it like a drug, I become depressed if I don't. I've been struggling.
When I'm at a high, I may go for months without stalking. This is when I am the most vulnerable, because I forget how much effort I had to make not to stalk her, and then I give in, and am sucked into the whirlpool again.
My mind always goes back to her. I need help, I don't want to give up on me for her, but therapy isn't an option where I live. I know it isn't about her anymore, it's about my issues and she's the unlucky object of my frustrations. But what to do if my heart forgets this from time to time?
sim !!bK4Ri00GQ joined in and replied with this 14 years ago, 8 minutes later[^][v]#334,237
wat
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 14 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#334,243
I don't want to tell my story. It's really pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself. I really care for the one I stalk, I *believe* she's a great person, so it's my only secret, because I don't want to put her in any kind of trouble...
How/when will I stop loving her? I've met so many people, but I can't seem to forget. She doesn't exist, yet she did when I met her. Now she's an image I have created. I'm obviously delusional.
I live in cycles. Sometimes I have a terrible urge to stalk her. Then I stop, come here, vent off through art, rationalize to exhaustion... sometimes I'm able to stop myself. Sometimes, I am not. I want to know how she's doing, yet I erase everything I judge bad from my heart. I have to make a huge effort to remember.
I hate having such intense feelings for... something my mind has created. I hate relating that thing to a living person. I hate how much she means to me, even though she never really knew me. And I never really knew her either.
I have so, so many reasons to stop. Yet I seem to forget all of them from time to time.
I know all of that. I know what I'm doing is insane. So why can't I stop that?
Why are my feelings faster than my reasoning?
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 14 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#334,244
I'm going to do it again tonight. Stay up 'til the sun rises, waiting. They are actually online now, so clearly they're not dead, just avoiding me because they've been online for hours and not said a word to me. I'm so confused. I wish they would just send me a nasty email detailing all the things they hate about me and why they never want to speak to me again. But no, i just get the silent treatment, wondering what i've done wrong or if i'm just being paranoid.
I've done this before. I don't even need to care about the person, only their opinion of me. I'll check all their online accounts repeatedly throughout the day for proof that they hate me. Stay up all night and well into the next day doing it. Even check up on people that know them for clues.
I don't know how to make friends let alone keep them, so when someone actually converses with me i'm constantly on edge from then on trying not to **** it up and going into a downward spiral of panic when they're not around.
sim !!bK4Ri00GQ replied with this 14 years ago, 13 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#334,246
Leonidas has a nemesis.
Ks !KansasxqvM joined in and replied with this 14 years ago, 1 hour later, 3 hours after the original post[^][v]#334,299