postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ started this discussion 15 years ago#15,513
I am a fragment in time, a moment forgotten.
An hour in a sea of our hours, forever drowning in Chronos' sea
A glimpse into the eye of eternity blind to me
The world blinks its timeless eyes
the tide rolls, and the wind sighs
And I am gone
footsteps sinking into Aeolus blown sand
so is my life
every scene cut from life
I stand meaningless, but it means everything to me
the sound of laughter, and love in my veins
each moment of sleep, and pain
I am the twinkling of a star
a forgettable shining moment
But this moment is everything
And you are everything to me
but to fair I don't know anything about poetry (other than it's gay)
Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 4 minutes later, 14 minutes after the original post[^][v]#270,950
4/10
points docked because it has rhyming but it wasn't consistent and i couldn't read it in a comfortable metre.
the actual content of the poem is decent even though it is not very innovative.
postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+ (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 3 minutes later, 17 minutes after the original post[^][v]#270,951
defending myself: There are few topics that are innovative, everything has been done before. And really the topics that mean the most to people are ones that they talk about. Also, Emily Dickinson wrote in off rhyme, as did Walt Whitman.
offending? myself: Once again I'm an 18 year old white kid, you can be assured that everything I put onto paper will be cliche, heartless, unintelligent, and drab.
hamfist !0WA0VxNDIE joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 31 minutes later, 49 minutes after the original post[^][v]#270,960
terrible, cliched, 3/10
Anonymous D replied with this 15 years ago, 2 minutes later, 51 minutes after the original post[^][v]#270,962
@270,951 (postmortem !!Qe8ScDbX+)
i thought you wanted criticism... sorry man
):
Anonymous F joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#270,985
@OP
Here you go, I rearranged it a bit. What do you think?
People are a fragment in the now, a moment forgotten.
Our hours forever drowning in
Seas of endless time
That slide by unmoved and forever changing.
My glimpse into the eye of eternity blind to me
Our world blinks its timeless eyes
Rolling tides and sighing winds
That moan "forever" to each weary traveler as they pass and die
Each moment lost on the rocks of eternity
May be forgotten.
I am gone.
Sandy remembrances sinking into
An endless shoreline
Footsteps sinking into Aeolus blown sand
As each life passes its brief moment
Grinding out each path to be erased -
Gone forever!
Our moments together are the only story I have to make
The only path I have to take and it means everything to me.
(Edited 56 seconds later.)
Meowth !WcOabcjNAM joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#270,986
[P]oems only look like this.
[O]nly real poems use this style.
[E]verybody knows this is such a poem.
[M]y very own mother knows this is a poem.