I have audio recordings of most of my appointments with her since 2020, but I never went back and relistened to any of them. I'm doing a deep dive right now.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 18 minutes later, 25 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,364,534
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
I am as honest with her as I'm realistically able to be. Of course, there are some things that just don't come to mind during our appointments.
This is the one I mentioned the other day that tells me to reach out to her on Instagram if I need to and flipped my hair with her fingers when I walked by her one day.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 16 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,364,557
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
She goes on tangents like this quite often that are a combination of spirituality, religion, and conspiracy theories. Sometimes she talks to me about other clients without divulging any identifying information.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 17 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,364,565
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
I wouldn't say that I'm not truthful about it. She knows that I struggle with both self-confidence and interpersonal relationships, particularly with women, and I've told her that I spend a lot of time in toxic internet communities that portray women as bad people and that the things I read and see online have negatively shaped my perception of women as a whole. She also knows about my massive mommy issues, because I've gone into great detail about how extremely traumatic my mom's behaviors were for me growing up and how I actively resented her (and still harbor some resentment despite making an effort to forgive her) for a very long time because of it. I usually don't go into the appointments and start off by saying that I just downright hate women, because I truly don't. I do admit (to myself, to you all, and to her) that I have some problems with fully respecting women and their decisions and boundaries sometimes, but I'm still trying to work through that.
Here's another one that features more of me talking about the problem that created a chain-reaction that destroyed my 6-year relationship with the person I still can't get over after 3 years of no contact, multiple failed situationships, one failed defined relationship, and her marriage to another man. https://vocaroo.com/1hA75lQPjz1b
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 13 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,364,568
@1,364,566 (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC) @previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
For a long time I've told myself that I need a male therapist, but I quite literally don't know how to find one. I've tried searching Google for "male therapist [my area]" but I don't find much. I also currently don't have insurance or income, and this organization primarily provides services for low-income people. I'm trying hard to find work so that I can get some income and health insurance, but I'm having a lot of trouble finding a solid job.
I do find your hillbilly comment to be quite offensive, though. There's nothing wrong with being from the hills, and an accent doesn't reflect on one's intelligence. I do think she's quite intelligent, but she's too kooky (no pun intended) for that to actually materialize into any substantial help.
Also, I fail to see how I'm the opposite of hyper-aware and too hard on myself. I literally over-analyze every single thing in my life and I have a genuinely deep understanding of my own problems. Thing is, I don't take serious action on fixing anything because I lack discipline, and motivation is fleeting, so I resort to self-hatred. That's literally being hyper-aware and too hard on myself.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 7 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,364,572
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
In her defense, this was before my craziness culminated in the way it did, so she probably did have a reason to believe that I could function without the meds.
Now, every time I see her she asks me if I'm taking them and tells me that it's a must that I stay on them consistently.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 18 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,364,575
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
I told you about it the other day. I went full-blown psycho on my ex and ended up catching three separate restraining orders over the following year and a half.
I'm not telling you this so you can chastise me about it. I'm very well aware that my actions were wrong, and I live in guilt every single day because of it. For the record, I was never physically abusive, but emotionally abusive, and I continually disregarded her boundaries by forcing contact with her when she explicitly cut contact. Again, I understand that these things were not good things to do and I would prefer that you not remind me of that. I've done a lot of work in correcting that kind of behavior and I'm doing my best to actually forgive myself so that I can move on.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 6 days ago, 3 minutes later, 3 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,364,578
@previous (Kook !!rcSrAtaAC)
Yes, she knows the entirety of that situation. My ex was also (separately) seeing her for therapy at that point in time, so she got both sides of the equation.