sluggy started this discussion 15 years ago#12,576
I can't stick to anything. I no longer think myself capable of attending my friends wedding.
There are a number of reasons (1. My friend picked a suit that is cut for very fit people. It looks absurd on me. The pants look like parachutes. I will stand out like mad with all the fit guys wearing the same suit. 2. There is no wedding party table. I wont even be sitting with my friend. I will be at a separate table with engaged/married couples. 3. The rehearsal dinner is Friday. I don't know anyone who will be there. I'm terrified. I have nothing to wear. I don't even know you are supposed to dress, but I have ZERO nice clothes. I'm fat and fat people HATE clothes shopping. It's stressful and you end up buying something that will fit around your mass. Then, whenever you arrive at the event for the outfit you realize how frumpy and out of place you look. I also lack a car, so I don't even know how I'm getting there, but it's possible a speedy exit will be denied me. That is a thought that is near incomprehensible. I feel trapped when relying on someone else for a ride. I mean trapped in the literal sense. I feel like I am in a trap. It's terrible).
I don't think I can do it. I know it sounds silly, people go to these kind of things all the time. Some people like it. I had to drop out of college (after spending money and knowing I need to finish school to improve my life) because I couldn't handle being in class. I get uncomfortable to an obscene extent. Imagine you were wearing a tight fitting costume because you thought it was costume day an no one was wearing costumes but you. So everyone is staring at you. The costume is really tight and on fire. Imagine all that and you need to act like everything is ok. That's how I feel.
I suffer from paranoia. I don't believe I'm being followed, but whenever someone laughs or says something I can't make out, I believe they are laughing at me/talking about me. I know they aren't. I try to keep repeating it in my head, but every laugh makes me more uncomfortable. The first laugh puts me above a 10. It's unbearable. I haven't gone out (minus my friends bachelor party and 1 movie that was in the afternoon) because a few months ago I was in line for my friend's show and they were running late so I was standing alone for 10-15 minutes feeling like every eye was on me. The guy at the door apologized to me and only me for the wait. I was in the back of the line. I had to look extremely uncomfortable. Of course, the seat saved for me was next to a woman I didnt know so I was at a 10 the whole time. I haven't been able to go out after that. I was on painkillers too. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I hadn't had painkillers. It's truly terrifying.
This is going to be that x1000. There will be people I havent seen in years. I hvent done anything with my life. I have nothing to talk about. I've gained a lot of weight.
I want to die, and I see no reason to wait. I already have an exit kit.
Would killing myself negatively impact the wedding more than the wedding (and rehearsal dinner) will negatively impact me? You must think in terms of they will both be torture.
My housemate's parents are visiting this week. It's going to be hell. I wont even have a respite at home. It's high stress constantly. I hate when they visit normally.
No moral fags wanted. If you are going to post negatively about my plans in general, state one reason I should live. One specific reason that isn't "it's selfish (cause, it's less selfish than wanting someone to suffer so you can have the peace of mind of knowin they exist). To keep in mind how unselfish it is, I have not received a call to chat on my iPhone 4. Ever. I've never had a conversation with a friend on my phone. No one cares about me.
I don't want the wedding to be postponed or ruined, but I don't think I can go anyway.
Wait a few weeks. You waited and now your stuck, idiot.
10
91%
[^_^] !yyQ9.ZkX3. joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 6 minutes later[^][v]#225,629
Yeah, sorry I had to vote the seccond. You have had ample warning about most of this (besides minor details that enormously effect your feelings about it) I wish you luck though :/
Anonymous C joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 6 minutes later, 12 minutes after the original post[^][v]#225,630
What is it about this time of night? That's when you always make posts like this.
But I know largely how you feel, similar symptoms, paranoia and the like. The worst part for me is that I physically tremor and literally can't stand still. That attracts attention every time. It's a self-feeding cycle as you know.
Didn't you post a picture of yourself a little while back? If I'm remembering the one correctly, you aren't even fat lol. Maybe a little chubby, but not out of the ordinary.
Why not just go to the wedding heavily medicated? It's a time for celbration, unless you're going to a fundamentalist wedding, no one is going to give a second thought to the guy who started celebrating a little earlier than eveyrone else, if they even notice at all.
What's your exit kit consist of? I still recommend you get ahold of barbs. You work in a hospitol, it shouln't be that hard to find/buy/steal some.
sluggy (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 18 minutes later, 31 minutes after the original post[^][v]#225,632
@previous (C)
I make about 20x these posts that I dont actually post. Maybe more than 20x. What happens is I'm at work and not high and my brain just goes over all the terrible things.
It's actually impossible for me to steal prescriptions. I meant to make an appointment with my doctor, but they weigh you and I've gained weight and I hate refusing to be weighed, I've never done it. I'm also very fat. I weigh 260. I don't pictures where I look terrible terrible. I can't control how I look at the wedding. The pants look Terrible. Keep in mind it's costing me over $300 for the suit (suit, alterations, shirt, and belt). I may have to buy another outfit for Friday night. It's costing me so much money to suffer. If feels like enough should be enough. I'm gonna try to make an appointment, though. I just put off things I really don't want to do.
I got a helium tank from walmart and a vacuum tube + trash-bag + duct tape + scotch (good scotch). Its no fail, no pain, no mess. No idea where I will do it. Doesnt seem fair to do it in the house, but the one housemate made a really mean comment to me the other night. My friend didn't say anything to her and she never apologized so I don't see why I should give a fuck anymore (by uncalled for, I mean she was feelin insecure about something and took it out on me. She does this to my friend all the time, but she took a real cheap shot at me. She can't handle drugs, but this was a whole new level.)
@225,629 ([^_^] !yyQ9.ZkX3.)
I kind of agree, but at the same time he had no concern for me while picking out a suit I was going to pay for. He waited way too late to say anything (I had thought we would be renting tuxes. I had even budged according to that. This had already cost me twice as much and I need a belt still). the big thing is I'm not at the same table as him.
I wouldn't be at anyone's table. I'm not important to anyone. October is always the one month I enjoy before holiday season. I always go out on Halloween (this would have been my first year not).
I hate nov/dec cause the whole time is spent dreading thanksgiving/Christmas. I've skipped the last two years. I may have gone to Xmas two years ago. I forget.
I literally have no one. I can't depend on anyone. I am all alone.
Why the fuck should I suffer for anyone when I don't even have anyone to cheer me up?
I have nothing to look forward to. I need to constantly shove my face with food and get high because life is unbearable. I am a loser. I have lost at life. Look at what I'm doing now. How many practically 30 year olds do this kind of shit? I'm in the company of DM. It's pathetic.
Leo Vegas !gNoGoD5HzQ joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 56 seconds later, 32 minutes after the original post[^][v]#225,633
@OP
You don't need to kill yourself nor do you need to go to the wedding. Sounds to me like you just need a vacation man. Get the hell out of town. Find somewhere you want to go, somewhere relaxing and take a while off to yourself.
sluggy (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 5 minutes later, 37 minutes after the original post[^][v]#225,634
@previous (Leo Vegas !gNoGoD5HzQ)
my mind is broken. I can't take off from it. Going away wont change anything. If I don't go to the wedding I have to kill myself. There isnt any other option. Too many people will be mad at me, and my parents were invited (fuck, I forgot about that. Add that to the list). That makes me sick too. My mom will probably get drunk.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I forgot about that. Fuck. Shes gonna get drunk.
fuck. no option now. Fuck.
Leo Vegas !gNoGoD5HzQ replied with this 15 years ago, 7 minutes later, 44 minutes after the original post[^][v]#225,636
@previous (sluggy)
Here is what you do then. Go to the wedding. Get really fucked up, ask a pretty girl to dance with you, if she says no drink more and ask an ugly girl (who will be pretty by that point) to dance with you. If you aren't into dancing then replace the word dance with fuck, either way the worst that can happen is that they say no then just ask more. The point is this: You are a grown man, you have no obligations to anyone, not even yourself, take a deep breath and just start living. Let it all hang out. Fuck it, if you are worked up to the point of suicide then showing your cock to the bride's mother is a stroll in the park. Just have some fun.
sluggy (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 15 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#225,638
@previous (Leo Vegas !gNoGoD5HzQ)
I went to the store Friday night at 4am to do my grocery shopping. I was in there for less than 10 minutes. I had an anxiety attack because there were too many people. I don't know how to explain my situation to people. I try, and I sometimes think I did an adequate job of it. Then I read something like this.
You are right in that I don't really give a fuck, but not giving a fuck doesn't matter. I get social anxiety so crippling.
I literally believe people openly laugh at me. I think that anytime someone laughs and I don't know what they are laughing at. I go through checks. Check my pants to make sure I didn't pee myself. Check my shirt isn't riding up. Then I check my phone so I have something to do. I do a lot of opening my email, opening facebook, open twitter, open MC (if I can cover my phone. Never know what will pop up, penis or furry-art, but both are bad). I can't function in society.
I wont ask a girl to dance or fuck. I can't get hard with a woman because of my anxiety.
There's no point.
Leo Vegas !gNoGoD5HzQ replied with this 15 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#225,640
@previous (sluggy)
I fucking hate going to the store or anywhere there is a lot of people. I first get a little nervous and then I wish a bomb would go off and kill everyone. Usually I just swallow everything and go about my business. I don't know what to tell you bud. It would suck if you killed yourself though. I wish you wouldn't do that.
mountainman !4EB6xd.Oos joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 6 hours later, 7 hours after the original post[^][v]#225,720
I am really shy naturally, but I force myself to go out in public and shop every now and then. I talk to you all the time on here, man. Jesus loves you and I love you. Take a vacation to Australia and hang out with me and UJ. I've known way fatter guys than you, and I've known plenty of guys your size who were out there getting chicks every weekend.
re: friend's wedding
Just go. It will be totally awkward but it doesn't last forever. I hate going to places alone but there are times when it is called for.
sluggy (OP) replied with this 15 years ago, 2 hours later, 10 hours after the original post[^][v]#225,755
this is why i should be high all the time. that first hit is really like waking up sometimes. in that small window of 10 hours i do stupid shit and buy stupid shit. its really a problem.
its like a stranger to me. once i smoke a little weed my depression is almost gone. I never post this shit in the mornings or on the weekends for a reason.
Anonymous F joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 4 hours later, 15 hours after the original post[^][v]#225,957
@225,720 (mountainman !4EB6xd.Oos) > Jesus loves you and I love you.
I thought you stopped with that shtick?
Anonymous G joined in and replied with this 15 years ago, 4 minutes later, 15 hours after the original post[^][v]#225,961
@225,755 (sluggy)
I'm glad you feel better about things. I wish I'd had something encouraging to say earlier, just didn't know how to respond really.
Anonymous E replied with this 15 years ago, 15 minutes later, 15 hours after the original post[^][v]#225,964
@225,957 (F) > putting a question mark at the end of statements