Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 11 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,267,817
@previous (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
My parents, brothers, grandmother, and niblings would be distraught.
To be honest the only ones I would care about hurting by doing it are my niblings. They haven’t really hurt me yet and because of that my love for them outweighs the want to not be here anymore. Yet at the same time I can’t help but view my life through the lens of tragedy.
Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 13 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,267,818
@previous (A)
What are niblings? Also, all those people you mentioned would be devastated. Think about that, please. Life can change a lot. Yours will get better.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 20 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,267,819
@previous (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
Nibling is a a gender neutral term for nieces and nephews. I love my niece so much because she’s so smart and passionate about creating. We encourage each other in our artistic endeavors. She’s wise beyond her years and as a nice-year-old is often the voice of reason. One of my nephews is also obsessed with me. He told me I’m his favorite uncle. I validate his feelings and stand up for him when the family picks on him, which can be often sometimes. He’s so consumed in YouTube Shorts and is often hard to get a word out of, but I still love him to death and try my best to get him to express himself.
I have another nephew who lives about an hour away so I see him less often than the other two. He’s a good kid and I love him just as much as the other ones, but I don’t have as strong a bond with him and he’s a little bit of a dick sometimes and has insulted me before.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 30 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,267,825
@previous (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
So I’ve been told. I keep waiting for things to get better but I lack the will to make things better for myself. My life is entirely directed by my unstable emotional state.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 37 minutes after the original post[^][v]#1,267,835
@previous (E)
Everything really. I’m a mentally ill NEET stuck on a ghost and distracting oneself through hedonistic escapism and delusions of grandeur. I have no direction and no drive when it comes to things that actually matter. I’m fueled by whatever my autistic obsession of the month is.
> Everything really. I’m a mentally ill NEET stuck on a ghost and distracting oneself through hedonistic escapism and delusions of grandeur. I have no direction and no drive when it comes to things that actually matter. I’m fueled by whatever my autistic obsession of the month is.
Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,844
@previous (E)
I was ALREADY in this thread. It is a thread about suicide. Yet you cannot help but bring up Matt. Friend, with all due respect, you have a sickness that needs help.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,845
@1,267,842 (E)
I am the guy who says a lot of things. That was one of them. I don’t know that I’m going to do that job anymore because of my fear of airplanes, so now I’m just stuck in limbo wondering what the hell I should do with my life.
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 17 seconds later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,846
@1,267,844 (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
Where did I say you weren't already in the thread? I said you pop in every time someone mentions Matt. There are other people ITT and you're the only one of them that seemed to take issue with that comment, as you are in every thread.
> Yet you cannot help but bring up Matt
If you actually read who you're responding to, you'll see that I didn't bring him up.
> Friend, with all due respect, you have a sickness that needs help.
Let's recap:
-OP posted a thread about wanting to kill himself
-You posted an empty stock response
-Someone posted a light-hearted joke about someone you seem obsessed with and you had (are having) an autistic meltdown
Maybe you should step back and think about your own mental health.
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,848
@1,267,845 (A)
Ah, I see. Are you also the guy who did the youtube asmr? I know you and I have discussed this, the vague subject of this thread, at least once before. And I feel like it's been more than that, but it's hard for me to keep track of since this has been spread out over a long while and you always post anonymously -- not that I'm doing anything differently right now. It isn't that it really matters, it's just there's no point in having the same conversation over and over again. And you've given little context here, so then it feels like playing a game of 20 questions to get a basic feel of what's going on and wrong with your life (aside from some vague response like "everything") and then trying to remember what I said to you before so I'm not just a broken record.
Why do you need to fly to do trades painting? Anyway, being scared of flying is kind of dumb if you think about it. You're more likely to die getting to or from the airport.
Were you also the one that did call center work for a while?
There was a thread a little while back where this guy described how he started with almost nothing, saved up for a while, then moved to a new random city and got some low-paying job at like amazon's warehouses or something. Why can't you do something like that?
Why can't you teach english in china? I hear they take literally everyone. I've seen it happen on this very forum.
Anonymous E double-posted this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,853
Also another weird thing that occurred to me. Why be scared of flying in a plane if you're already suicidal? It just doesn't make sense to me on any level. I don't want to derail the thread with this (or at least not any more than Throckmorton has already derailed it with his own mental illness), I'm just wondering.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 7 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,854
@1,267,848 (E)
I am an Internet addict who obsessively posts on Minichan and yes there is a very good possibility that we've had this conversation multiple times. At the end of the day I'm just a broken person and my natural instinct is to inflict pain on others in an attempt to channel it away from me. I do it IRL, I do it on this board, and I do it anywhere else on the Internet. I have no self-control and no determination. I act on pure impulse with mostly everything in my life, in particular my relationships and my finances, and it's left my life in complete shambles. It's honestly hard to look back at 22-year-old me because I had my shit together. I had help in the form of a partner, but it kept me grounded for a while. I don't have anything like that in my life now. I'm supposed to be on a combination of medications but I'll take them for a few days and then stop altogether, mainly because I have no structure in my life and find it impossible to take my pills daily. I am nocturnal, going to bed at daylight and waking up after the sun has set. I attribute this to my unschooling at ages 10-13. I've been in therapy for like 6 years but it honestly just doesn't seem to help much. I like my therapist as a person, she's great, but I feel like she just doesn't understand me and I've been trying to get better at vocalizing how I feel so that she can help me, but at the end of the day I'm the person that has to do the work, and that cripples me.
At this point I honestly think I am hopeless. I'm a failure in every sense of the word, wasting away in a mental prison.
Anonymous A (OP) triple-posted this 2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 hour after the original post[^][v]#1,267,856
@1,267,848 (E) > Why do you need to fly to do trades painting? Anyway, being scared of flying is kind of dumb if you think about it. You're more likely to die getting to or from the airport.
Statistically I know this is the case. I can't shake the thought that I'm going to be that statistic. I have recurring dreams about airplane crashes and every time I'm in an airplane I am tense as hell for the entire trip. The only time I feel safe is when the plane has actually landed, stopped, taxied, and parked. Again, I know that statistically I'm far more likely to die in a car crash or any other type of crash, but driving gives me the illusion of control, which I don't have in an airplane. And I also know that pilots endure extensive training to ensure that they properly handle the craft, so really my life is safer in their hands than my own hands after having passed a driving test once twelve years ago, but there are also things that are out of the control of pilots. Machines fail and sometimes the pilot just can't help that. As far as the traveling by plane bit for the job, well, my uncle has been out in Nevada for a little bit, which is the other side of the country. Apparently they travel by plane when they do jobs that far out, which I wasn't aware of before.
> Were you also the one that did call center work for a while?
Yes, I took calls for an electric company in Louisiana. It was brutal and I quit without notice. I still haven't returned my equipment because I can't be arsed to drive it up to their offices. I'm ashamed to show my face there.
> There was a thread a little while back where this guy described how he started with almost nothing, saved up for a while, then moved to a new random city and got some low-paying job at like amazon's warehouses or something. Why can't you do something like that?
At this point, I have no sense anymore of how much it actually costs to live. I have been living at my parents' house with no expenses except my phone bill and car insurance for the past two years. The last time I lived on my own was before inflation really went haywire, and so now I just don't know how much it costs. Especially another city. I live in a low cost of living area, and ideally I would like to move to a larger city, of which there are several within a 4 hour drive. I know that typically cities cost more to live, and although they also pay more, I wonder if even their low-pay jobs like a warehouse would pay enough for me to live on solo. I don't want to have roommates because honestly most other dudes disgust me (me being a disgusting pig myself).
> Why can't you teach english in china? I hear they take literally everyone. I've seen it happen on this very forum.
I know this is a meme but I've dreamed about something like that. I don't think I have the independence to live in a foreign country though. Plus, I'm truly not that great with the English language. I understand it well enough to write shitty fiction and whatnot, but not to explain it to people who don't natively speak it.
@1,267,853 (E)
Suicide also gives me that illusion of control. I don't want to be in a plane crash because me being in a plane crash would indicate that my life was worth living. I truly don't get on planes very often, and the last two times I did the tickets were paid for by my grandfather to visit him and the family.
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 39 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,860
@previous (boof) @1,267,856 (A) > well shit, you have a license to drive, which is tough to get for people who are very nerved out
Yeah, OP, did you ever consider doing uber? I know they don't pay much, but if you're awake at weird hours, you might be able to pick up better rates? I'm not sure if it it works that way, but it could.
> At this point, I have no sense anymore of how much it actually costs to live. I have been living at my parents' house with no expenses except my phone bill and car insurance for the past two years. The last time I lived on my own was before inflation really went haywire, and so now I just don't know how much it costs. Especially another city. I live in a low cost of living area, and ideally I would like to move to a larger city, of which there are several within a 4 hour drive. I know that typically cities cost more to live, and although they also pay more, I wonder if even their low-pay jobs like a warehouse would pay enough for me to live on solo. I don't want to have roommates because honestly most other dudes disgust me (me being a disgusting pig myself).
I don't know about all that with regard to the pricing. Have you considered going in the other direction? Save up and buy a house cash in the middle of no where? Then work some low-pay job? Do you know how to do home repairs or any handyman work? If so, you open up far more options in what you can buy for very little. It's not hard to do stuff like that, it just takes time. And it seems you have no shortage of it. So maybe that's better suited for you? You could even eventually sell after you've made the place livable and turn a bit of a profit to supplement any other income you have from another low-skill low-paying job. And if you can't sell, then at least you have a home and can live in it with minimal expenses.
> Machines fail and sometimes the pilot just can't help that.
Same with cars and you're traveling at high speeds with many of them that can be barely in servicable condition, no matter how well you service yours. Plus, a lot of pilots are ex-military. They are way over-trained to fly commercial aircraft. I feel like you could literally do nothing and get over your fear of flying. Kind of like exposure therapy. Just keep taking flights. I suspect it'll just go away on its own. The fact that you've been willing to take more than one flight tells me you're in a very good state as far as phobias go.
But let's say you're too lazy to and refuse to fly ever again. Why can't you just take a bus to Nevada. From where? Louisiana or somewhere near? That's completely doable. Not the best, but it's doable. Seems like a silly reason to not pursue the painting thing. It sounds like it's all already set up for you anyway. So I can't understand how you're just passing that up like it's nothing. Maybe you'll also make friends and be able to have more normal human relationships again both with men and women. It sounds like you had that for a while, but then something happened? What? No matter, the fact of the matter is that you can have normal relationships with people, so you're in a lot better shape than guys I've seen start from a far worse state and successfully pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 17 minutes later, 2 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,863
@previous (E) > Yeah, OP, did you ever consider doing uber?
Yeah, I've wanted to either do that or DoorDash. Some of my immediately family members do a little bit of DoorDash part-time just for extra money, and I was going to try and do it full time but they denied me because of the fact that I got a DUI in 2018. Because of that I can't really get any driving job at this point, which is sad because I love driving and would love to get a job doing a mindless task such as it.
> Have you considered going in the other direction? Save up and buy a house cash in the middle of no where?
I've lived in a small city my entire life and I've always wanted to live where there are a lot of people. I love the idea of the anonymity of living in a place where I don't know anybody. It gives me a weird sense of security being in a place like that. I love to do things like go to concerts and sporting events. My town doesn't have a whole lot of that. We get washed up, way-past-their-prime artists in our shitty seated theater. Ideally I'd live in a place where there are actual events that happen and give me social opportunities without the baggage that I have in my hometown. I'd rather not go in the other direction.
> Do you know how to do home repairs or any handyman work?
Not a damn thing. My dad does, but he didn't really teach me those things because I never showed an interest in learning them.
> Why can't you just take a bus to Nevada.
I'd say that goes against the policy of the company. The crews likely have to travel together, as a bus ride to Nevada would likely take 30+ hours whereas a flight would take maybe 5?
> Maybe you'll also make friends and be able to have more normal human relationships again both with men and women. It sounds like you had that for a while, but then something happened?
Bipolar disorder happened, to be honest. When I was 21 it really started to come out in me, and when I punched the mirror, I went on medication for the first time, but the damage had already been done. I had alienated most of my friend group by that point and grew codependent in my relationship, yet at the same time I was actively trying to destroy it because I thought that I could do better than her. The relationship failed disastrously, and I'm still obsessed with her two years after the last time she spoke to me. Two of those friends from the friend group stuck around, but we hardly talk anymore. My "best friend" doesn't really seem to be that interested in talking to me anymore, probably because he knows the full extent of my problematic conduct and we're conflicting when it comes to politics anymore. We hang out one night a week at his parents house (he lives with them), typically just sitting on the porch and smoking cigarettes while talking about whatever the fuck comes up. The other friend I never really hang out with because he's got closer friends and also is married with a newborn but we'll message on occasion. I also have another friend but I don't really hang out with him often because he is married with children. When I do hang out with him, it's with his wife and another couple they're friends with, and it's always at his house, so there's not a lot of social opportunity and I'm the odd one out. I don't really talk much because it's clear that they have a group that is tight-knit and I'm an outsider to it. I also kinda feel like the reason he even invites me to his events is because his best friend died of a drug overdose a couple years back and he just wants to be friendly with anyone he can.
I don't know anymore really. I've kinda put myself into a box and I can't escape from it.
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 1 hour later, 14 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,889
@1,267,884 (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
Here you are again, jumping in instantly as soon as Matt is mentioned, unlike literally everyone else on the forum who pays no attention to it. Why are you so obsessed?
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 14 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,897
@1,267,863 (A)
How old is your therapist? Have you considered trying to get with her?
Also, are you the guy that was talking about becoming Christian again? What ever happened to that? Even if you don't believe in it, maybe you could use the community. The church-going type, although unapologetically boring, won't be negative influences on your life at least.
Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 16 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,919
@previous (Toilet Seat !tr.t4dJfuU)
I am not white-knighting anyone. What I am doing is complaining about the idiot who ruins every single thread with the same stupid thing.
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 1 hour later, 19 hours after the original post[^][v]#1,267,951
@1,267,922 (Toilet Seat !tr.t4dJfuU) @1,267,919 (Throckmorton !dxiFV8kfVg)
It's also weird how Throckmorton, when asked, knows nothing about Matt, but yet suddenly becomes so involved and emotional whenever Matt's mentioned.
Anonymous J joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 5 hours later, 1 day after the original post[^][v]#1,268,041
@1,267,863 (A)
i find the neet idea problematic, even when i wasnt working i was learning about politics n listening to democracy now.
depends what yr interests are.
being in a big city alone is pretty easy to find, just apply to some job opening, thars a pretty common niche.