Topic: Feedback on my novel?
Anonymous A started this discussion 2 years ago #110,022
My novel, currently untitled, is 132,000 words. I'm interested in getting feedback for the first few pages.
I’m not much for summaries; I always prefer for a text to speak for itself, but you asked for one on your website, so here it goes:
The novel features love, betrayal, and a world beyond our own. Miss Lee, a conflicted individual who cannot lie, finds herself and her partner in a world of lies where truth itself appears to be only an illusion. Supernatural, or delusional, who really is to say?
I’m not much for summaries; I always prefer for a text to speak for itself, but you asked for one on your website, so here it goes:
The novel features love, betrayal, and a world beyond our own. Miss Lee, a conflicted individual who cannot lie, finds herself and her partner in a world of lies where truth itself appears to be only an illusion. Supernatural, or delusional, who really is to say?
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 1 minute later[^] [v] #1,226,264
Here it is:
He shook his head. "That was not the case, Miss Lee. When you brought her to a safe house, do you remember what she did to you?"
She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
"Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
"A woman's face."
"Miss Lee?"
"A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
"Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
"You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back. She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her. She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
He pulled back and pulled back. "I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery." He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
"I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
"No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw. They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
"No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
"Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
"You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
"I'm not going to believe you."
"You took us to Hell."
"I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her. "I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it. She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
"I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
* * * *
Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her. She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
"Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream. She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside. She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown. She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was. She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes. She knew it wasn't hers. She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind. She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase. Her head was on the floor from where she stood. She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it. She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
* * * * *
A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
"Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
"Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
"Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
"Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
"Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
"No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
* * * * *
She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
"Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
"A woman's face."
"Miss Lee?"
"A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
"Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
"You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back. She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her. She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
He pulled back and pulled back. "I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery." He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
"I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
"No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw. They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
"No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
"Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
"You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
"I'm not going to believe you."
"You took us to Hell."
"I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her. "I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it. She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
"I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
* * * *
Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her. She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
"Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream. She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside. She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown. She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was. She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes. She knew it wasn't hers. She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind. She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase. Her head was on the floor from where she stood. She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it. She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
* * * * *
A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
"Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
"Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
"Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
"Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
"Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
"No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
* * * * *
Polished novels joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 36 minutes later, 38 minutes after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,269
@previous (A)
> He shook his head. "That was not the case, Miss Lee. When you brought her to a safe house, do you remember what she did to you?"
What safe house? This is never referenced again in the text. Whom did she take to a safe house, and why? I recommend somehow showing the reader what the context is.
> She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
Explain this. We never hear about it again. What rubbed her back? Why did she panic? What did that panic lead to?
> He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
Who is “she”? She does not seem to be mentioned again. If it is a third character, then have Miss Lee and the man discuss her some more, give her a purpose and a role.
> "Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
Ok this is good. It gives us more information about “her”. Just don’t stop here: give more.
> She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down.
Did he have his shirt off, or is she pulling it off? “Down” is a little ambiguous.
> "Why didn't you tell me?"
Tell her what? I thought she was telling him about the girl and the safe house. Now, she is asking about him tell her something. It can be a little confusing to the reader.
> "Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
Explain. What/where is (1) the safe house, (2) the cemetery, (3) Hell, and why was she there? It is good to have multiple places in a novel, but each place should add something to the plot, or to character development, and should be described so that the reader can envision it.
> She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
> "A woman's face."
> "Miss Lee?"
This dialogue is confusing. Did she ask him what he saw? If so, and he answers that he saw a woman’s face, then who is saying the next line, “Miss Lee?”? Is she asking about herself? You might add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify.
> "A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
Did you mean that she shook her head? How could she shake his head?
> He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
> "Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
If his life is a lie, then how can he be a good person?
> She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Didn’t she just say that he can’t lie to her? I suggest making this whole dialogue a little clearer by adding “he said” and “she said”, and also making sure you have the right character speaking, and also not having them contradict themselves.
> He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster.
(comma splice, replace with semi-colon or conjunction)
> "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
> "You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
This is good, because it breaks the dialogue, and uses some descriptive language. More of this would be even better, to avoid a big wall of dialogue, which can sometimes bore readers and not really bring them into the scene.
> He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
Shouldn’t this read, “If you’re going to lie to me, then do it”? As it is now, it seems self-contradictory.
> She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
Good! This gives insight into this character. More of this would be great!
> He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
> She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back.
(because the same aubject “she” is doing both verbs, you do not need a comma here, but it is not wrong to put one of you want to indicate a pause: your choice)
> She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her.
This is the beginning of a good description, but you should not just leave it at that. It is ambiguous and confusing to the reader. What is crawling inside her? Something literal? An animal? Just an emotion? Because the entire scene is vague, the reader is not sure if this is science-fiction, fantasy, or just reality. More specific description would help to clafiry.
> She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
> She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
This is good. More of this! Description and details!
> She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
Good description and action. Add more!
> He pulled back and pulled back.
Why twice?
> "I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery."
Who is Mr. Montgomery? Do you tell us about him later in the novel? In this particular context, the reader has no idea who this is or if it matters.
> He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
> "I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
Who is saying what? The first line seems like he said it, but then why would he say he is sorry, then not sorry? Did Miss Lee say the first line? If so, then you might add a dialogue tag to let the reader know that.
> She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
This is good foreshadowing, as long as you return to it and continue it later in the novel. If it is just one line here, then it is too ambisuous.
> "Are you sure?"
> "I'm sure."
> She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
Same here. Why was she going to die? Be sure to return
> "No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw.
What did she see? Don’t leave the reader hanging. Imaging yourself reading this. Wouldn’t you want to know what she saw? If she couldn’t believe it, then it must be something important or shocking, and the reader will want to know.
> They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
> "No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
> "Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
What is “this” and what is “that”? It seems ambiguous and confusing.
> She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
> "You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
> "I'm not going to believe you."
> "You took us to Hell."
Ambiguous and confusing. Add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify. Also, what is Hell? Literal Hell? A place they know named Hell? A house? The safe house mentioned above? You do not have to reveal this information yet in the book if your plan is to make it seem mysterious to the reader, but do be sure to reveal it more and more as the book progresses, so the reader won’t be left in the dark.
> "I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her.
What?
> "I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
What?
> His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it.
I am trying to envision this. Do you mean that, while his lips were pressed onto hers, like in a kiss, he smiled? I can see that. Maybe make it a bit more clear. “His lips still pressed against her in a kiss, he smiled.” Something like that.
> She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
The reader needs to know more about Miss Lee. You do not have to reveal everything in the first chapter, of course, but be sure to give her a backstory throughout the book.
> "I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
All of this occurred in a bathroom? I suggest making that much more clear in the very beginning. Describe their place; describe the bathroom. Set up the scene. The “bathroom” part comes as a surprised to the reader, and to be honest, almost makes the scene a bit comical. Also, she locked the door behind her? Was she locking the man in the bathroom? If so, you might want to mention it to create some tension.
> * * * *
> Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her.
She is sleeping beside another female? That is fine. I was just making sure you meant “her” and not “him”.
> She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
Stopped what? She is lying in bed. If she had been walking toward the door, then “stopped” would make sense. You might describe her standing up and approaching the door first.
> "Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream.
Confusing. She was unable to recognize what, the mirror or her face? If her face, did you maybe mean to say “unable to distinguish from her dream”?
> She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
What? I’m not sure how to take this. Literally? Is she a dog? A human-dog hybrid? If this is fantasy or science-fiction or horror, then I can imagine it. But if not, what did you mean? Similes and metaphors should be clear. Otherwise you have the reader wondering if she is truly a giant dog.
> She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside.
This is confusing. If she jumped up, presumably out of bed, then what does it mean that she threw her covers on? Bedcovers? Sheets? Clothing? Also, she would have to do what soon? It is ambiguous. She ran to the door, ok that is good. We can see that happening. She opened it, again good. Bathrobe Did she already have “covers” on? Clothing? Also, “She sent inside” makes no sense. Wasn’t she already inside her house, if she had been sleeping in bed? Is the “she” another person? If so, you should make that clear.
> She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown.
Wasn’t she just in her bathrobe?
> She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was.
Again, confusing to readers. Is she inside or outside of the house/Hell/wherever she is? She was in a bathroom, but now she’s entering the house? Please clarify.
> She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes.
Whose eyes? IS this the other girl who was in the bed with her? If would be good to clarify.
> She knew it wasn't hers.
What wasn’t hers?
> She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
If she was already looking at the door, then how does she look back at it? She never looked away.
> There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind.
Sentence fragment: consider linking it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon or conjunction.
> She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase.
Who opened it? The reader is still confused as to how many people are in this story, and who they are. I am guessing that there are a total of four people, but if I am wrong, you can see how it is confusing.
> Her head was on the floor from where she stood.
Whose head?
> She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it.
1. A vampire? Where did this come from? This is giving me a clue that we are in a horror/fantasy world, which is great, but it comes out of nowhere.
2. If she had no way of knowing, then how did she know it? It is self-contradictory.
> She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
Where? Who? Very confusing to the reader.
> * * * * *
> A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
Sentence fragment. Consider rewriting it this way: loud knock sounded on the door. “Come in.”
> She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
This is good! It tells the reader who is doing what, and it clearly distinguishes between Miss Lee and the other character.
> "Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
> "Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
Wearing a car? Did you mean to use another word here?
> "Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
Blake is wearing a pink bra and panties, but just on his arms? Please clarify.
> "Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
> "Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
> "No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
She asked if it was him, and he said no, then affirmed that it was him? It seems contradictory.
> * * * * *
Notes and suggestions:
1. There are some promising elements of this story. You have a rather mysterious character, Miss Lee, that I think can be developed well. You also have a vampire, and I personally LOVE horror! I hope you can go on to develop this vampire theme.
2. I strongly suggest that you work on distinguishing the characters. I counted four total: (1) Miss Lee, (2) Blake (presumably the same as the man at the beginning), (3) the other girl in the bed, and (4) the other person who opened the door. I could be wrong. You can distinguish them by adding dialogue markers (he said, she said, etc.), especially since the most confusing parts are the dialogue.
3. I would add much more description. There is lots of dialogue, which is fine, but adding more description would do two things: it would clarify the characters and setting(s), and it would draw the reader more deeply into the scene. Try to immerse the reader in your world: sights, sounds, smells, feelings, even tastes when it fits.
4. Add some physical descriptions of the characters. Of course, you do not want an information dump, but you could add things like, “Miss Lee looked at Blake, lost in his blue eyes and sandy hair.” That would give the reader something to ground their imagination in.
5. Your grammar is very good, so no problems there. A little error here and there is not a big deal. So, that’s a plus. Also, your spelling is flawless.
6. Try to be more precise in setting your scenes, and in enacting your plot. This chapter, to me, feels like a few random, unassociated acts in various scenes. Try to have every scene, every line of dialogue, every description, contribute to moving the plot along.
7. Do you use character sheets? I know you said you write by the seat of your pants (I do too!), but sometimes making a character sheet with all of the details of a character can set that character in your mind when you write, and so it is easier to be descriptive and to give that character its own voice. Just a thought.
> He shook his head. "That was not the case, Miss Lee. When you brought her to a safe house, do you remember what she did to you?"
What safe house? This is never referenced again in the text. Whom did she take to a safe house, and why? I recommend somehow showing the reader what the context is.
> She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
Explain this. We never hear about it again. What rubbed her back? Why did she panic? What did that panic lead to?
> He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
Who is “she”? She does not seem to be mentioned again. If it is a third character, then have Miss Lee and the man discuss her some more, give her a purpose and a role.
> "Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
Ok this is good. It gives us more information about “her”. Just don’t stop here: give more.
> She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down.
Did he have his shirt off, or is she pulling it off? “Down” is a little ambiguous.
> "Why didn't you tell me?"
Tell her what? I thought she was telling him about the girl and the safe house. Now, she is asking about him tell her something. It can be a little confusing to the reader.
> "Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
Explain. What/where is (1) the safe house, (2) the cemetery, (3) Hell, and why was she there? It is good to have multiple places in a novel, but each place should add something to the plot, or to character development, and should be described so that the reader can envision it.
> She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
> "A woman's face."
> "Miss Lee?"
This dialogue is confusing. Did she ask him what he saw? If so, and he answers that he saw a woman’s face, then who is saying the next line, “Miss Lee?”? Is she asking about herself? You might add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify.
> "A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
Did you mean that she shook her head? How could she shake his head?
> He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
> "Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
If his life is a lie, then how can he be a good person?
> She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Didn’t she just say that he can’t lie to her? I suggest making this whole dialogue a little clearer by adding “he said” and “she said”, and also making sure you have the right character speaking, and also not having them contradict themselves.
> He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster.
(comma splice, replace with semi-colon or conjunction)
> "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
> "You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
This is good, because it breaks the dialogue, and uses some descriptive language. More of this would be even better, to avoid a big wall of dialogue, which can sometimes bore readers and not really bring them into the scene.
> He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
Shouldn’t this read, “If you’re going to lie to me, then do it”? As it is now, it seems self-contradictory.
> She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
Good! This gives insight into this character. More of this would be great!
> He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
> She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back.
(because the same aubject “she” is doing both verbs, you do not need a comma here, but it is not wrong to put one of you want to indicate a pause: your choice)
> She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her.
This is the beginning of a good description, but you should not just leave it at that. It is ambiguous and confusing to the reader. What is crawling inside her? Something literal? An animal? Just an emotion? Because the entire scene is vague, the reader is not sure if this is science-fiction, fantasy, or just reality. More specific description would help to clafiry.
> She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
> She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
This is good. More of this! Description and details!
> She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
Good description and action. Add more!
> He pulled back and pulled back.
Why twice?
> "I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery."
Who is Mr. Montgomery? Do you tell us about him later in the novel? In this particular context, the reader has no idea who this is or if it matters.
> He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
> "I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
Who is saying what? The first line seems like he said it, but then why would he say he is sorry, then not sorry? Did Miss Lee say the first line? If so, then you might add a dialogue tag to let the reader know that.
> She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
This is good foreshadowing, as long as you return to it and continue it later in the novel. If it is just one line here, then it is too ambisuous.
> "Are you sure?"
> "I'm sure."
> She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
Same here. Why was she going to die? Be sure to return
> "No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw.
What did she see? Don’t leave the reader hanging. Imaging yourself reading this. Wouldn’t you want to know what she saw? If she couldn’t believe it, then it must be something important or shocking, and the reader will want to know.
> They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
> "No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
> "Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
What is “this” and what is “that”? It seems ambiguous and confusing.
> She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
> "You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
> "I'm not going to believe you."
> "You took us to Hell."
Ambiguous and confusing. Add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify. Also, what is Hell? Literal Hell? A place they know named Hell? A house? The safe house mentioned above? You do not have to reveal this information yet in the book if your plan is to make it seem mysterious to the reader, but do be sure to reveal it more and more as the book progresses, so the reader won’t be left in the dark.
> "I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her.
What?
> "I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
What?
> His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it.
I am trying to envision this. Do you mean that, while his lips were pressed onto hers, like in a kiss, he smiled? I can see that. Maybe make it a bit more clear. “His lips still pressed against her in a kiss, he smiled.” Something like that.
> She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
The reader needs to know more about Miss Lee. You do not have to reveal everything in the first chapter, of course, but be sure to give her a backstory throughout the book.
> "I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
All of this occurred in a bathroom? I suggest making that much more clear in the very beginning. Describe their place; describe the bathroom. Set up the scene. The “bathroom” part comes as a surprised to the reader, and to be honest, almost makes the scene a bit comical. Also, she locked the door behind her? Was she locking the man in the bathroom? If so, you might want to mention it to create some tension.
> * * * *
> Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her.
She is sleeping beside another female? That is fine. I was just making sure you meant “her” and not “him”.
> She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
Stopped what? She is lying in bed. If she had been walking toward the door, then “stopped” would make sense. You might describe her standing up and approaching the door first.
> "Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream.
Confusing. She was unable to recognize what, the mirror or her face? If her face, did you maybe mean to say “unable to distinguish from her dream”?
> She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
What? I’m not sure how to take this. Literally? Is she a dog? A human-dog hybrid? If this is fantasy or science-fiction or horror, then I can imagine it. But if not, what did you mean? Similes and metaphors should be clear. Otherwise you have the reader wondering if she is truly a giant dog.
> She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside.
This is confusing. If she jumped up, presumably out of bed, then what does it mean that she threw her covers on? Bedcovers? Sheets? Clothing? Also, she would have to do what soon? It is ambiguous. She ran to the door, ok that is good. We can see that happening. She opened it, again good. Bathrobe Did she already have “covers” on? Clothing? Also, “She sent inside” makes no sense. Wasn’t she already inside her house, if she had been sleeping in bed? Is the “she” another person? If so, you should make that clear.
> She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown.
Wasn’t she just in her bathrobe?
> She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was.
Again, confusing to readers. Is she inside or outside of the house/Hell/wherever she is? She was in a bathroom, but now she’s entering the house? Please clarify.
> She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes.
Whose eyes? IS this the other girl who was in the bed with her? If would be good to clarify.
> She knew it wasn't hers.
What wasn’t hers?
> She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
If she was already looking at the door, then how does she look back at it? She never looked away.
> There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind.
Sentence fragment: consider linking it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon or conjunction.
> She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase.
Who opened it? The reader is still confused as to how many people are in this story, and who they are. I am guessing that there are a total of four people, but if I am wrong, you can see how it is confusing.
> Her head was on the floor from where she stood.
Whose head?
> She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it.
1. A vampire? Where did this come from? This is giving me a clue that we are in a horror/fantasy world, which is great, but it comes out of nowhere.
2. If she had no way of knowing, then how did she know it? It is self-contradictory.
> She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
Where? Who? Very confusing to the reader.
> * * * * *
> A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
Sentence fragment. Consider rewriting it this way: loud knock sounded on the door. “Come in.”
> She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
This is good! It tells the reader who is doing what, and it clearly distinguishes between Miss Lee and the other character.
> "Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
> "Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
Wearing a car? Did you mean to use another word here?
> "Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
Blake is wearing a pink bra and panties, but just on his arms? Please clarify.
> "Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
> "Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
> "No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
She asked if it was him, and he said no, then affirmed that it was him? It seems contradictory.
> * * * * *
Notes and suggestions:
1. There are some promising elements of this story. You have a rather mysterious character, Miss Lee, that I think can be developed well. You also have a vampire, and I personally LOVE horror! I hope you can go on to develop this vampire theme.
2. I strongly suggest that you work on distinguishing the characters. I counted four total: (1) Miss Lee, (2) Blake (presumably the same as the man at the beginning), (3) the other girl in the bed, and (4) the other person who opened the door. I could be wrong. You can distinguish them by adding dialogue markers (he said, she said, etc.), especially since the most confusing parts are the dialogue.
3. I would add much more description. There is lots of dialogue, which is fine, but adding more description would do two things: it would clarify the characters and setting(s), and it would draw the reader more deeply into the scene. Try to immerse the reader in your world: sights, sounds, smells, feelings, even tastes when it fits.
4. Add some physical descriptions of the characters. Of course, you do not want an information dump, but you could add things like, “Miss Lee looked at Blake, lost in his blue eyes and sandy hair.” That would give the reader something to ground their imagination in.
5. Your grammar is very good, so no problems there. A little error here and there is not a big deal. So, that’s a plus. Also, your spelling is flawless.
6. Try to be more precise in setting your scenes, and in enacting your plot. This chapter, to me, feels like a few random, unassociated acts in various scenes. Try to have every scene, every line of dialogue, every description, contribute to moving the plot along.
7. Do you use character sheets? I know you said you write by the seat of your pants (I do too!), but sometimes making a character sheet with all of the details of a character can set that character in your mind when you write, and so it is easier to be descriptive and to give that character its own voice. Just a thought.
!MLHqI35Srs joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 6 hours later, 6 hours after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,302
Grade C our prison-system's equivalent to middle-set secondary; you're fucking joking if this is one of those dimunitive-rank terms to the term "novella".
It's like the highest end of one, for systematic grammar; it has no characters and dialogue seems to exist about as autistically as their likely race's verbal IQ score.
If you actually live here in exhile, grade A(^-|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|-); that's grammar, I don't read this genre; other-wise, please, just don't publish-as-such this sort of, pable (yes, mis-pronounced "pay-bel"). I'm nice about poverty, yearning and annoying little metizo dramas about having no monetary reprieve from woe and destita.
It's like the highest end of one, for systematic grammar; it has no characters and dialogue seems to exist about as autistically as their likely race's verbal IQ score.
If you actually live here in exhile, grade A(^-|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|--|-); that's grammar, I don't read this genre; other-wise, please, just don't publish-as-such this sort of, pable (yes, mis-pronounced "pay-bel"). I'm nice about poverty, yearning and annoying little metizo dramas about having no monetary reprieve from woe and destita.
(Edited 8 minutes later.)
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 day later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,548
@previous (!MLHqI35Srs)
> you're fucking joking if this is one of those dimunitive-rank terms to the term "novella".
This is absolutely not a joke and is absolutely not one of those dimunitive-rank terms to the term "novella".
> it has no characters and dialogue seems to exist about as autistically as their likely race's verbal IQ score.
Patently false.
> I'm nice about poverty, yearning and annoying little metizo dramas about having no monetary reprieve from woe and destita.
This is not a metizo drama.
> you're fucking joking if this is one of those dimunitive-rank terms to the term "novella".
This is absolutely not a joke and is absolutely not one of those dimunitive-rank terms to the term "novella".
> it has no characters and dialogue seems to exist about as autistically as their likely race's verbal IQ score.
Patently false.
> I'm nice about poverty, yearning and annoying little metizo dramas about having no monetary reprieve from woe and destita.
This is not a metizo drama.
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 11 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,555
@1,226,269 (Polished novels)
> >He shook his head. "That was not the case, Miss Lee. When you brought her to a safe house, do you remember what she did to you?"
>
> What safe house? This is never referenced again in the text. Whom did she take to a safe house, and why? I recommend somehow showing the reader what the context is.
Yes it is.
> >She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
>
> Explain this. We never hear about it again. What rubbed her back? Why did she panic? What did that panic lead to?
Yes we do.
>
> >He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
>
> Who is “she”? She does not seem to be mentioned again. If it is a third character, then have Miss Lee and the man discuss her some more, give her a purpose and a role.
Yes she is.
>
> >"Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
>
> Ok this is good. It gives us more information about “her”. Just don’t stop here: give more.
>
> >She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down.
>
> Did he have his shirt off, or is she pulling it off? “Down” is a little ambiguous.
>
> >"Why didn't you tell me?"
>
> Tell her what? I thought she was telling him about the girl and the safe house. Now, she is asking about him tell her something. It can be a little confusing to the reader.
No it can't.
>
> >"Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
>
> Explain. What/where is (1) the safe house, (2) the cemetery, (3) Hell, and why was she there? It is good to have multiple places in a novel, but each place should add something to the plot, or to character development, and should be described so that the reader can envision it.
>
> >She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
>
> >"A woman's face."
>
> >"Miss Lee?"
>
> This dialogue is confusing. Did she ask him what he saw? If so, and he answers that he saw a woman’s face, then who is saying the next line, “Miss Lee?”? Is she asking about herself? You might add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify.
No it isn't.
>
> >"A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
>
> Did you mean that she shook her head? How could she shake his head?
No.
>
> >He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
>
> >"Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
>
> If his life is a lie, then how can he be a good person?
>
> >She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
>
> Didn’t she just say that he can’t lie to her? I suggest making this whole dialogue a little clearer by adding “he said” and “she said”, and also making sure you have the right character speaking, and also not having them contradict themselves.
>
> >He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster.
>
> (comma splice, replace with semi-colon or conjunction)
>
> >"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
>
> >"You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
>
> This is good, because it breaks the dialogue, and uses some descriptive language. More of this would be even better, to avoid a big wall of dialogue, which can sometimes bore readers and not really bring them into the scene.
No it isn't.
>
> >He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
>
> Shouldn’t this read, “If you’re going to lie to me, then do it”? As it is now, it seems self-contradictory.
No it isn't.
>
> >She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
>
> Good! This gives insight into this character. More of this would be great!
No it doesn't.
>
> >He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
>
> >She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back.
>
> (because the same aubject “she” is doing both verbs, you do not need a comma here, but it is not wrong to put one of you want to indicate a pause: your choice)
Yes you do.
>
> >She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her.
>
> This is the beginning of a good description, but you should not just leave it at that. It is ambiguous and confusing to the reader. What is crawling inside her? Something literal? An animal? Just an emotion? Because the entire scene is vague, the reader is not sure if this is science-fiction, fantasy, or just reality. More specific description would help to clafiry.
No it isn't.
>
> >She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
>
> >She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
>
> This is good. More of this! Description and details!
No it isn't.
>
> >She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
>
> Good description and action. Add more!
No it isn't.
>
> >He pulled back and pulled back.
>
> Why twice?
Why not?
>
> >"I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery."
>
> Who is Mr. Montgomery? Do you tell us about him later in the novel? In this particular context, the reader has no idea who this is or if it matters.
Yes the reader does.
>
> >He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
>
> >"I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
>
> Who is saying what? The first line seems like he said it, but then why would he say he is sorry, then not sorry? Did Miss Lee say the first line? If so, then you might add a dialogue tag to let the reader know that.
No it doesn't.
>
> >She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
>
> This is good foreshadowing, as long as you return to it and continue it later in the novel. If it is just one line here, then it is too ambisuous.
No it isn't.
>
> >"Are you sure?"
>
> >"I'm sure."
>
> >She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
>
> Same here. Why was she going to die? Be sure to return
>
> >"No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw.
>
> What did she see? Don’t leave the reader hanging. Imaging yourself reading this. Wouldn’t you want to know what she saw? If she couldn’t believe it, then it must be something important or shocking, and the reader will want to know.
>
> >They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
>
> >"No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
>
> >"Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
>
> What is “this” and what is “that”? It seems ambiguous and confusing.
No it doesn't.
> >She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
>
> >"You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
>
> >"I'm not going to believe you."
>
> >"You took us to Hell."
>
> Ambiguous and confusing. Add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify. Also, what is Hell? Literal Hell? A place they know named Hell? A house? The safe house mentioned above? You do not have to reveal this information yet in the book if your plan is to make it seem mysterious to the reader, but do be sure to reveal it more and more as the book progresses, so the reader won’t be left in the dark.
No it isn't.
>
> >"I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her.
>
> What?
What?
> >"I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
>
> What?
What?
> >His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it.
>
> I am trying to envision this. Do you mean that, while his lips were pressed onto hers, like in a kiss, he smiled? I can see that. Maybe make it a bit more clear. “His lips still pressed against her in a kiss, he smiled.” Something like that.
>
> >She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
>
> The reader needs to know more about Miss Lee. You do not have to reveal everything in the first chapter, of course, but be sure to give her a backstory throughout the book.
No the reader doesn't.
> >"I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
>
> All of this occurred in a bathroom? I suggest making that much more clear in the very beginning. Describe their place; describe the bathroom. Set up the scene. The “bathroom” part comes as a surprised to the reader, and to be honest, almost makes the scene a bit comical. Also, she locked the door behind her? Was she locking the man in the bathroom? If so, you might want to mention it to create some tension.
>
> >* * * *
>
> >Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her.
>
> She is sleeping beside another female? That is fine. I was just making sure you meant “her” and not “him”.
>
> >She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
>
> Stopped what? She is lying in bed. If she had been walking toward the door, then “stopped” would make sense. You might describe her standing up and approaching the door first.
No it wouldn't.
>
> >"Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream.
>
> Confusing. She was unable to recognize what, the mirror or her face? If her face, did you maybe mean to say “unable to distinguish from her dream”?
No it isn't.
>
> >She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
>
> What? I’m not sure how to take this. Literally? Is she a dog? A human-dog hybrid? If this is fantasy or science-fiction or horror, then I can imagine it. But if not, what did you mean? Similes and metaphors should be clear. Otherwise you have the reader wondering if she is truly a giant dog.
No I don't.
>
> >She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside.
>
> This is confusing. If she jumped up, presumably out of bed, then what does it mean that she threw her covers on? Bedcovers? Sheets? Clothing? Also, she would have to do what soon? It is ambiguous. She ran to the door, ok that is good. We can see that happening. She opened it, again good. Bathrobe Did she already have “covers” on? Clothing? Also, “She sent inside” makes no sense. Wasn’t she already inside her house, if she had been sleeping in bed? Is the “she” another person? If so, you should make that clear.
No it isn't.
>
> >She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown.
>
> Wasn’t she just in her bathrobe?
No she was not.
>
> >She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was.
>
> Again, confusing to readers. Is she inside or outside of the house/Hell/wherever she is? She was in a bathroom, but now she’s entering the house? Please clarify.
Again, no it isn't.
>
> >She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes.
>
> Whose eyes? IS this the other girl who was in the bed with her? If would be good to clarify.
No it wouldn't.
>
> >She knew it wasn't hers.
>
> What wasn’t hers?
>
> >She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
>
> If she was already looking at the door, then how does she look back at it? She never looked away.
Yes she did.
>
> >There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind.
>
> Sentence fragment: consider linking it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon or conjunction.
No it isn't.
>
> >She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase.
>
> Who opened it? The reader is still confused as to how many people are in this story, and who they are. I am guessing that there are a total of four people, but if I am wrong, you can see how it is confusing.
No the reader is not.
>
> >Her head was on the floor from where she stood.
>
> Whose head?
>
> >She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it.
>
> 1. A vampire? Where did this come from? This is giving me a clue that we are in a horror/fantasy world, which is great, but it comes out of nowhere.
No it does not.
>
> 2. If she had no way of knowing, then how did she know it? It is self-contradictory.
No it is not.
>
> >She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
>
> Where? Who? Very confusing to the reader.
No it isn't.
>
> >* * * * *
>
> >A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
>
> Sentence fragment. Consider rewriting it this way: loud knock sounded on the door. “Come in.”
No it isn't.
>
> >She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
>
> This is good! It tells the reader who is doing what, and it clearly distinguishes between Miss Lee and the other character.
No it isn't.
>
> >"Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
>
> >"Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
>
> Wearing a car? Did you mean to use another word here?
No.
>
> >"Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
>
> Blake is wearing a pink bra and panties, but just on his arms? Please clarify.
No.
>
> >"Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
>
> >"Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
>
> >"No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
>
> She asked if it was him, and he said no, then affirmed that it was him? It seems contradictory.
No it doesn't.
>
> >* * * * *
>
> Notes and suggestions:
> 1. There are some promising elements of this story. You have a rather mysterious character, Miss Lee, that I think can be developed well. You also have a vampire, and I personally LOVE horror! I hope you can go on to develop this vampire theme.
No there aren't. No I do not.
>
> 2. I strongly suggest that you work on distinguishing the characters. I counted four total: (1) Miss Lee, (2) Blake (presumably the same as the man at the beginning), (3) the other girl in the bed, and (4) the other person who opened the door. I could be wrong. You can distinguish them by adding dialogue markers (he said, she said, etc.), especially since the most confusing parts are the dialogue.
No I cannot.
>
> 3. I would add much more description. There is lots of dialogue, which is fine, but adding more description would do two things: it would clarify the characters and setting(s), and it would draw the reader more deeply into the scene. Try to immerse the reader in your world: sights, sounds, smells, feelings, even tastes when it fits.
>
No there isn't.
> 4. Add some physical descriptions of the characters. Of course, you do not want an information dump, but you could add things like, “Miss Lee looked at Blake, lost in his blue eyes and sandy hair.” That would give the reader something to ground their imagination in.
>
> 5. Your grammar is very good, so no problems there. A little error here and there is not a big deal. So, that’s a plus. Also, your spelling is flawless.
No it is not.
>
> 6. Try to be more precise in setting your scenes, and in enacting your plot. This chapter, to me, feels like a few random, unassociated acts in various scenes. Try to have every scene, every line of dialogue, every description, contribute to moving the plot along.
No it is not.
>
> 7. Do you use character sheets? I know you said you write by the seat of your pants (I do too!), but sometimes making a character sheet with all of the details of a character can set that character in your mind when you write, and so it is easier to be descriptive and to give that character its own voice. Just a thought.
No I do not.
> >He shook his head. "That was not the case, Miss Lee. When you brought her to a safe house, do you remember what she did to you?"
>
> What safe house? This is never referenced again in the text. Whom did she take to a safe house, and why? I recommend somehow showing the reader what the context is.
Yes it is.
> >She shook her head. "I never told anyone this. I felt something rub my back and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do."
>
> Explain this. We never hear about it again. What rubbed her back? Why did she panic? What did that panic lead to?
Yes we do.
>
> >He sighed, his mouth a thin line. "And why would she think that?"
>
> Who is “she”? She does not seem to be mentioned again. If it is a third character, then have Miss Lee and the man discuss her some more, give her a purpose and a role.
Yes she is.
>
> >"Because I saw her lying in the road, just in the woods."
>
> Ok this is good. It gives us more information about “her”. Just don’t stop here: give more.
>
> >She reached out, cupped his hand, pulled his shirt down.
>
> Did he have his shirt off, or is she pulling it off? “Down” is a little ambiguous.
>
> >"Why didn't you tell me?"
>
> Tell her what? I thought she was telling him about the girl and the safe house. Now, she is asking about him tell her something. It can be a little confusing to the reader.
No it can't.
>
> >"Because I saw you in the cemetery, Miss Lee." He gripped her hand. "My life has been so different lately."
>
> Explain. What/where is (1) the safe house, (2) the cemetery, (3) Hell, and why was she there? It is good to have multiple places in a novel, but each place should add something to the plot, or to character development, and should be described so that the reader can envision it.
>
> >She stared at his eyes. "What did you see?"
>
> >"A woman's face."
>
> >"Miss Lee?"
>
> This dialogue is confusing. Did she ask him what he saw? If so, and he answers that he saw a woman’s face, then who is saying the next line, “Miss Lee?”? Is she asking about herself? You might add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify.
No it isn't.
>
> >"A girl's face." She shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it. But I do know that you can be a good person."
>
> Did you mean that she shook her head? How could she shake his head?
No.
>
> >He pulled back. "What do you mean?"
>
> >"Your life is a lie. You can't lie to me. I have to know what's going on. I can't lie to you."
>
> If his life is a lie, then how can he be a good person?
>
> >She looked at him with contempt. "Don't lie to me." She swallowed. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
>
> Didn’t she just say that he can’t lie to her? I suggest making this whole dialogue a little clearer by adding “he said” and “she said”, and also making sure you have the right character speaking, and also not having them contradict themselves.
>
> >He rubbed his face, his eyes soft. She stared at him, her heart beat faster.
>
> (comma splice, replace with semi-colon or conjunction)
>
> >"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going to tell you."
>
> >"You can't lie to me." She went quiet, looking at him, her eyes fixed on him. Her breathing was shallow and deep. "I can't lie."
>
> This is good, because it breaks the dialogue, and uses some descriptive language. More of this would be even better, to avoid a big wall of dialogue, which can sometimes bore readers and not really bring them into the scene.
No it isn't.
>
> >He stepped closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "If you're not going to lie to me, then do it."
>
> Shouldn’t this read, “If you’re going to lie to me, then do it”? As it is now, it seems self-contradictory.
No it isn't.
>
> >She stepped closer, pretending to be brave and unmoving. "Do you want to know what's going on?"
>
> Good! This gives insight into this character. More of this would be great!
No it doesn't.
>
> >He brought his hands up and held her. It didn't feel as if she were squeezing his. "I want to know what happened to you."
>
> >She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back.
>
> (because the same aubject “she” is doing both verbs, you do not need a comma here, but it is not wrong to put one of you want to indicate a pause: your choice)
Yes you do.
>
> >She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her.
>
> This is the beginning of a good description, but you should not just leave it at that. It is ambiguous and confusing to the reader. What is crawling inside her? Something literal? An animal? Just an emotion? Because the entire scene is vague, the reader is not sure if this is science-fiction, fantasy, or just reality. More specific description would help to clafiry.
No it isn't.
>
> >She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
>
> >She sat up, tugging at his hair, and smoothed down her face, letting her gaze lock onto his face. He was so gorgeous. She felt his lips on her neck.
>
> This is good. More of this! Description and details!
No it isn't.
>
> >She brought her face up to his and kissed him quietly. His lips continued to rub over her skin, his lips soft and warm. Their bodies were filled with desire, and she could feel her body respond to him with electricity. She felt him squeeze her tighter into his embrace.
>
> Good description and action. Add more!
No it isn't.
>
> >He pulled back and pulled back.
>
> Why twice?
Why not?
>
> >"I'm glad you're here. I heard you have an appointment with Mr. Montgomery."
>
> Who is Mr. Montgomery? Do you tell us about him later in the novel? In this particular context, the reader has no idea who this is or if it matters.
Yes the reader does.
>
> >He pulled her to him, pressing his mouth to her mouth. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't have done that to you."
>
> >"I'm not sorry," he breathed. "I'm not feeling any pain, just knowing you're safe."
>
> Who is saying what? The first line seems like he said it, but then why would he say he is sorry, then not sorry? Did Miss Lee say the first line? If so, then you might add a dialogue tag to let the reader know that.
No it doesn't.
>
> >She could see his breath on her neck and knew she needed some time, but she couldn't stop the tears. She was going to die here, and she would never see him again.
>
> This is good foreshadowing, as long as you return to it and continue it later in the novel. If it is just one line here, then it is too ambisuous.
No it isn't.
>
> >"Are you sure?"
>
> >"I'm sure."
>
> >She kissed him again, releasing him. He pulled back and let her against him. His breathing became heavy, desperate. She didn't know if he should release her, but she knew he wouldn't let her go. She was going to die.
>
> Same here. Why was she going to die? Be sure to return
>
> >"No," she said, looking down at her hands. She couldn't believe what she saw.
>
> What did she see? Don’t leave the reader hanging. Imaging yourself reading this. Wouldn’t you want to know what she saw? If she couldn’t believe it, then it must be something important or shocking, and the reader will want to know.
>
> >They both knew it at the same time, but she couldn't stop them. She wanted to die and not have to die. She needed to release them all. She looked away, hoping he wasn't going to shake her head and finish the job with him.
>
> >"No," he said, pulling away from her. "No."
>
> >"Don't blame yourself. I can't believe you're going to tell me this. I can't believe you thought I would do that."
>
> What is “this” and what is “that”? It seems ambiguous and confusing.
No it doesn't.
> >She felt him come around her, and yanked her head back. She felt him tearing her clothes off and sliding them over her head. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her tight. "No, please, don't do this to me. I don't deserve it. I love you and I want to be forever happy with you. I wish I was all right. I just can't believe I have to believe you."
>
> >"You didn't do that to me. You took me for a fool."
>
> >"I'm not going to believe you."
>
> >"You took us to Hell."
>
> Ambiguous and confusing. Add a “he said” or “she said” here and there to clarify. Also, what is Hell? Literal Hell? A place they know named Hell? A house? The safe house mentioned above? You do not have to reveal this information yet in the book if your plan is to make it seem mysterious to the reader, but do be sure to reveal it more and more as the book progresses, so the reader won’t be left in the dark.
No it isn't.
>
> >"I told you it was hard and unbelievable," he said, pulling away from her.
>
> What?
What?
> >"I just didn't want to be with you. I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to take you home and take care of you. I can't believe you did that to us."
>
> What?
What?
> >His hand came up to her face, and she slowly pulled back to look at him. His brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. He smiled against her lips, unsure if he should hear it.
>
> I am trying to envision this. Do you mean that, while his lips were pressed onto hers, like in a kiss, he smiled? I can see that. Maybe make it a bit more clear. “His lips still pressed against her in a kiss, he smiled.” Something like that.
>
> >She wanted to believe him, because he needed to hear what she was thinking. But she knew she wanted it to be okay. She had no choice. It was too much, and she needed to do this to her family.
>
> The reader needs to know more about Miss Lee. You do not have to reveal everything in the first chapter, of course, but be sure to give her a backstory throughout the book.
No the reader doesn't.
> >"I'm going home," he said, still keeping his eyes on hers. She couldn't move and nothing would stop her. She had no intentions of leaving without going into that room, let alone someone else's room. She left the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
>
> All of this occurred in a bathroom? I suggest making that much more clear in the very beginning. Describe their place; describe the bathroom. Set up the scene. The “bathroom” part comes as a surprised to the reader, and to be honest, almost makes the scene a bit comical. Also, she locked the door behind her? Was she locking the man in the bathroom? If so, you might want to mention it to create some tension.
>
> >* * * *
>
> >Back at Hell, she had awakened from a dream and was standing in her home, staring at the ceiling as she slept beside her.
>
> She is sleeping beside another female? That is fine. I was just making sure you meant “her” and not “him”.
>
> >She woke up at a knock on her door. She looked toward the door and stopped.
>
> Stopped what? She is lying in bed. If she had been walking toward the door, then “stopped” would make sense. You might describe her standing up and approaching the door first.
No it wouldn't.
>
> >"Are you going to come in?" She stared at her reflection in the mirror, unable to recognize from her dream.
>
> Confusing. She was unable to recognize what, the mirror or her face? If her face, did you maybe mean to say “unable to distinguish from her dream”?
No it isn't.
>
> >She looked at herself, looking beautiful. She looked like an enormous dog.
>
> What? I’m not sure how to take this. Literally? Is she a dog? A human-dog hybrid? If this is fantasy or science-fiction or horror, then I can imagine it. But if not, what did you mean? Similes and metaphors should be clear. Otherwise you have the reader wondering if she is truly a giant dog.
No I don't.
>
> >She jumped up and threw her covers back on. She knew that she was going to be late, and she'd have to do it soon. So she ran to the door and opened it. As soon as her bathrobe was on, she went inside.
>
> This is confusing. If she jumped up, presumably out of bed, then what does it mean that she threw her covers on? Bedcovers? Sheets? Clothing? Also, she would have to do what soon? It is ambiguous. She ran to the door, ok that is good. We can see that happening. She opened it, again good. Bathrobe Did she already have “covers” on? Clothing? Also, “She sent inside” makes no sense. Wasn’t she already inside her house, if she had been sleeping in bed? Is the “she” another person? If so, you should make that clear.
No it isn't.
>
> >She was rubbing her eyes, still in her nightgown.
>
> Wasn’t she just in her bathrobe?
No she was not.
>
> >She decided to wear something more suitable. She just had to get out of here. She opened the front door and ducked inside where her room was.
>
> Again, confusing to readers. Is she inside or outside of the house/Hell/wherever she is? She was in a bathroom, but now she’s entering the house? Please clarify.
Again, no it isn't.
>
> >She peeked out at the door, not meeting her eyes.
>
> Whose eyes? IS this the other girl who was in the bed with her? If would be good to clarify.
No it wouldn't.
>
> >She knew it wasn't hers.
>
> What wasn’t hers?
>
> >She had no idea what she was doing, but she knew she couldn't be sure of anything. She heard the door close and her heart skipped a beat. She turned and looked at the door, then back at the door.
>
> If she was already looking at the door, then how does she look back at it? She never looked away.
Yes she did.
>
> >There was a moment where her eyes belonged. So much more than what she had left behind.
>
> Sentence fragment: consider linking it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon or conjunction.
No it isn't.
>
> >She pressed her eyes against the glass. The door burst open, and she looked around, and this time her eyes were fixed on a suitcase.
>
> Who opened it? The reader is still confused as to how many people are in this story, and who they are. I am guessing that there are a total of four people, but if I am wrong, you can see how it is confusing.
No the reader is not.
>
> >Her head was on the floor from where she stood.
>
> Whose head?
>
> >She had no way of knowing this was a vampire that had killed a man, and she knew it.
>
> 1. A vampire? Where did this come from? This is giving me a clue that we are in a horror/fantasy world, which is great, but it comes out of nowhere.
No it does not.
>
> 2. If she had no way of knowing, then how did she know it? It is self-contradictory.
No it is not.
>
> >She ran down the stairs and out the front door. She called for a cab, and when she got there, she was gone.
>
> Where? Who? Very confusing to the reader.
No it isn't.
>
> >* * * * *
>
> >A loud knock on her door, "Come in."
>
> Sentence fragment. Consider rewriting it this way: loud knock sounded on the door. “Come in.”
No it isn't.
>
> >She entered, and saw that it was Blake. He stepped aside and closed the door behind him.
>
> This is good! It tells the reader who is doing what, and it clearly distinguishes between Miss Lee and the other character.
No it isn't.
>
> >"Hi Blake." She quickly walked past him and into the living room. "Hey, can I help you?"
>
> >"Blake, do you have a minute? Are you wearing that car?" He looked down at her with a pleasant face.
>
> Wearing a car? Did you mean to use another word here?
No.
>
> >"Yeah." She looked down at the pink bra and panties on his arms.
>
> Blake is wearing a pink bra and panties, but just on his arms? Please clarify.
No.
>
> >"Come here." He slipped into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of warm grey sweatpants and a sweater that were just below the knee.
>
> >"Is that you?" She looked at him, her heart pounding.
>
> >"No, it's me." He smiled at her and smiled.
>
> She asked if it was him, and he said no, then affirmed that it was him? It seems contradictory.
No it doesn't.
>
> >* * * * *
>
> Notes and suggestions:
> 1. There are some promising elements of this story. You have a rather mysterious character, Miss Lee, that I think can be developed well. You also have a vampire, and I personally LOVE horror! I hope you can go on to develop this vampire theme.
No there aren't. No I do not.
>
> 2. I strongly suggest that you work on distinguishing the characters. I counted four total: (1) Miss Lee, (2) Blake (presumably the same as the man at the beginning), (3) the other girl in the bed, and (4) the other person who opened the door. I could be wrong. You can distinguish them by adding dialogue markers (he said, she said, etc.), especially since the most confusing parts are the dialogue.
No I cannot.
>
> 3. I would add much more description. There is lots of dialogue, which is fine, but adding more description would do two things: it would clarify the characters and setting(s), and it would draw the reader more deeply into the scene. Try to immerse the reader in your world: sights, sounds, smells, feelings, even tastes when it fits.
>
No there isn't.
> 4. Add some physical descriptions of the characters. Of course, you do not want an information dump, but you could add things like, “Miss Lee looked at Blake, lost in his blue eyes and sandy hair.” That would give the reader something to ground their imagination in.
>
> 5. Your grammar is very good, so no problems there. A little error here and there is not a big deal. So, that’s a plus. Also, your spelling is flawless.
No it is not.
>
> 6. Try to be more precise in setting your scenes, and in enacting your plot. This chapter, to me, feels like a few random, unassociated acts in various scenes. Try to have every scene, every line of dialogue, every description, contribute to moving the plot along.
No it is not.
>
> 7. Do you use character sheets? I know you said you write by the seat of your pants (I do too!), but sometimes making a character sheet with all of the details of a character can set that character in your mind when you write, and so it is easier to be descriptive and to give that character its own voice. Just a thought.
No I do not.
Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 1 hour later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,577
@previous (A)
You’re doomed. He’s right about 90% of that. You aren’t able to paint a clear scene in the reader’s mind of what’s happening.
If your quibble is well you need to read the rest of the book to have context then give us an introduction to a central theme in your book. For instance describing a new character, location, etc.
You’re doomed. He’s right about 90% of that. You aren’t able to paint a clear scene in the reader’s mind of what’s happening.
If your quibble is well you need to read the rest of the book to have context then give us an introduction to a central theme in your book. For instance describing a new character, location, etc.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,580
Anonymous E joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,583
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 54 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,584
Anonymous F joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,588
Not being mean, but the way people are talking in the first part doesn't work
Anonymous G joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,589
Who cares.
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,590
Was this written by a human?
Anonymous H joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,591
worse than ever, keep up the bad work
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 56 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,593
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 26 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,594
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,596
@1,226,593 (A)
Would you like me to go line by line?
For instance you use the phrase "suckled by a needle".
Anyone who reads that will meme it and 100% make fun of you when they write a review
Would you like me to go line by line?
For instance you use the phrase "suckled by a needle".
Anyone who reads that will meme it and 100% make fun of you when they write a review
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,599
@previous (F)
> Would you like me to go line by line?
Yes.
> Anyone who reads that will meme it and 100% make fun of you when they write a review
No they won't.
> Would you like me to go line by line?
Yes.
> Anyone who reads that will meme it and 100% make fun of you when they write a review
No they won't.
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,601
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,602
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 5 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,603
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 34 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,605
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 26 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,606
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 7 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,607
@1,226,603 (A)
Ive never heard anyone use that expression and neither have you. What exactly does it mean?
Did you use chatgpt to write this?
Ive never heard anyone use that expression and neither have you. What exactly does it mean?
Did you use chatgpt to write this?
Anonymous E replied with this 2 years ago, 12 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,608
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,609
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 23 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,610
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 11 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,611
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 32 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,612
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 24 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,613
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 33 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,614
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 30 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,615
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 29 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,617
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 12 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,618
Did you use chat gpt to write this?
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 29 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,619
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 52 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,620
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 18 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,621
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 26 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,622
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 25 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,623
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 20 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,624
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 5 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,625
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,626
@1,226,624 (F)
No I did not. Work on your reading comprehension. Not everyone speaks American English.
No I did not. Work on your reading comprehension. Not everyone speaks American English.
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 15 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,627
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,628
This is either that anon who copies old forum posts and then self-congratulates with "I fooled you all" (nopaltzin?) after racking up a huge post count... or it's Catherine.
(Edited 27 seconds later.)
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,629
@1,226,626 (A)
Google shows no results for that idiom and you also cant explain what it means
You used chatgpt
Google shows no results for that idiom and you also cant explain what it means
You used chatgpt
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,630
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 33 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,631
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,634
@1,226,629 (F)
Image search for suckled with a needle and tell me what you see.
Are you going to give me line by line feedback or not?
Image search for suckled with a needle and tell me what you see.
Are you going to give me line by line feedback or not?
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 37 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,635
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,637
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,639
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 47 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,640
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,641
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 13 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,646
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,651
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,656
@1,226,641 (A)
First explain to me what you meant by suckled by a needle and how it fit in that particular part of the book
First explain to me what you meant by suckled by a needle and how it fit in that particular part of the book
Anonymous I joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 27 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,657
@1,226,641 (A)
I used a gpt checker, and it confirmed this (and a series of paranormal romance novels) were both written with an ai model.
I used a gpt checker, and it confirmed this (and a series of paranormal romance novels) were both written with an ai model.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,658
@previous (I)
> I used a gpt checker,
Which one?
> and it confirmed this
No it didn't.
> (and a series of paranormal romance novels) were both written with an ai model.
Which series are you referring to?
> I used a gpt checker,
Which one?
> and it confirmed this
No it didn't.
> (and a series of paranormal romance novels) were both written with an ai model.
Which series are you referring to?
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,659
@1,226,656 (F)
How about this: I'll give you a hint and you review the first half of the sample I provided line-by-line.
If you still can't figure it out, then give the rest of your line-by-line feedback for the second half and I'll tell you exactly what I meant.
How about this: I'll give you a hint and you review the first half of the sample I provided line-by-line.
If you still can't figure it out, then give the rest of your line-by-line feedback for the second half and I'll tell you exactly what I meant.
(Edited 16 seconds later.)
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,660
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,663
@1,226,658 (A)
> Which one?
ChatGPT with the instruction to "check if this is AI generated" and to explain it's reasoning. It said based on the tone, grammatical structure, and choice of words that it was in fact a generated text.
> No it didn't.
Yes it did.
> Which series are you referring to?
The series violates the terms of use for chatGPT by not giving attribution, so I will not be promoting the series by naming it here.
> Which one?
ChatGPT with the instruction to "check if this is AI generated" and to explain it's reasoning. It said based on the tone, grammatical structure, and choice of words that it was in fact a generated text.
> No it didn't.
Yes it did.
> Which series are you referring to?
The series violates the terms of use for chatGPT by not giving attribution, so I will not be promoting the series by naming it here.
(Edited 20 seconds later.)
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,664
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,665
@1,226,660 (F)
Great. Let's return to the passage.
> She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back. She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her. She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
Ignore the part about the needle. Now, what feeling do you get from the passage?
Now think about the image results you saw. Not the ones with medical syringes and not the one you posted. The other images.
Combine that with the feeling you get from the passage. Now you should be getting the idea.
Great. Let's return to the passage.
> She tried to smile, but couldn't reach up to pull him back. She knew what she wanted just as much as he did, but knew she couldn't. Something inside her was crawling over her. She took a step closer, pretending to be brave and joyful. She felt like she was being suckled with a needle, but she didn't care. She wanted to be brave and be successful. She reached up and pulled him closer to her.
Ignore the part about the needle. Now, what feeling do you get from the passage?
Now think about the image results you saw. Not the ones with medical syringes and not the one you posted. The other images.
Combine that with the feeling you get from the passage. Now you should be getting the idea.
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,666
@1,226,663 (I)
> 1:@1,226,658 (A)
> > Which one?
> ChatGPT with the instruction to "check if this is AI generated" and to explain it's reasoning. It said based on the tone, grammatical structure, and choice of words that it was in fact a generated text.
ChatGPT makes up stuff all the time, including its ability to detect generated text which it was never trained to do.
>
> > No it didn't.
> Yes it did.
No it didn't.
>
> > Which series are you referring to?
> The series violates the terms of use for chatGPT by not giving attribution, so I will not be promoting the series by naming it here.
No it doesn't.
> 1:@1,226,658 (A)
> > Which one?
> ChatGPT with the instruction to "check if this is AI generated" and to explain it's reasoning. It said based on the tone, grammatical structure, and choice of words that it was in fact a generated text.
ChatGPT makes up stuff all the time, including its ability to detect generated text which it was never trained to do.
>
> > No it didn't.
> Yes it did.
No it didn't.
>
> > Which series are you referring to?
> The series violates the terms of use for chatGPT by not giving attribution, so I will not be promoting the series by naming it here.
No it doesn't.
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,667
@previous (A)
I just told ChatGPT to write me a letter to the US copyright office, and the Library of Congress, informing them that the books were a product of machine code and not authentic human literature.
In short time they will be declared public domain.
I just told ChatGPT to write me a letter to the US copyright office, and the Library of Congress, informing them that the books were a product of machine code and not authentic human literature.
In short time they will be declared public domain.
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,668
@1,226,665 (A)
A. I got no other images besides that weird cartoon and pics of needles
B. Shes nervous but suckled by a needle isnt used to describe that in any type of English speaking country
A. I got no other images besides that weird cartoon and pics of needles
B. Shes nervous but suckled by a needle isnt used to describe that in any type of English speaking country
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 39 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,669
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,671
@previous (A)
Writing the many page petition took seconds, and copy+pasted it into email a few seconds more. Why wouldn't I?
What you are doing dilutes the real efforts of authors the world over. Shame.
Writing the many page petition took seconds, and copy+pasted it into email a few seconds more. Why wouldn't I?
What you are doing dilutes the real efforts of authors the world over. Shame.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 11 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,672
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,673
@previous (A)
No because you broke the agreement
On startpage Im getting pictures of needles!
Tell me what the right image is and I'll consider doing the critique
No because you broke the agreement
On startpage Im getting pictures of needles!
Tell me what the right image is and I'll consider doing the critique
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 4 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,674
@1,226,671 (I)
Thanks for admitting you filed a false report. They don't take too kindly to false reports and I'll be sure to let my relative know who is an attorney know.
Thanks for admitting you filed a false report. They don't take too kindly to false reports and I'll be sure to let my relative know who is an attorney know.
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,675
@previous (A)
Thanks for admitting you counterfeited the book. They don't take too kindly to false literature and I'll be sure to let my lawyer know who is an attorney know.
Thanks for admitting you counterfeited the book. They don't take too kindly to false literature and I'll be sure to let my lawyer know who is an attorney know.
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 35 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,677
@1,226,673 (F)
No, I did not. You did.
Provide feedback and I'll give you more hints. Otherwise we're done.
No, I did not. You did.
Provide feedback and I'll give you more hints. Otherwise we're done.
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,678
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 18 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,680
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 33 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,682
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 59 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,683
@1,226,680 (A)
@previous (A)
Incoherent nonsense, this must be the first post you tried writing yourself.
@previous (A)
Incoherent nonsense, this must be the first post you tried writing yourself.
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 38 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,684
no it isn't, no i didn't, yes you did!
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,685
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,686
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 8 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,688
Anonymous I double-posted this 2 years ago, 59 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,689
No, I won't.
No, you didn't.
YES WE CAN!
No, you didn't.
YES WE CAN!
Anonymous J joined in and replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,690
Do you two idiots ever shut the fuck up and go outside?
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 9 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,693
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,695
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 35 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,696
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 6 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,699
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,700
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 5 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,703
@previous (A)
People are going to read that and laugh at you
I wanted to help and you couldn't even do the one very easy thing I requested
People are going to read that and laugh at you
I wanted to help and you couldn't even do the one very easy thing I requested
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,704
@previous (F)
If you wanted to help, you'd give me that line-by-line feedback you promised. I'd love to describe to you what I meant by the phrase you're getting so hung up on, but I have no indication that you're being sincere and every indication otherwise with your delay tactics and diversions.
If you wanted to help, you'd give me that line-by-line feedback you promised. I'd love to describe to you what I meant by the phrase you're getting so hung up on, but I have no indication that you're being sincere and every indication otherwise with your delay tactics and diversions.
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 10 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,708
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,710
@previous (F)
Line-by-line feedback and I'll tell you.
I'll compromise with you, as if I weren't already being generous enough. Provide 10 lines of feedback and I'll answer more questions about the phrase.
Line-by-line feedback and I'll tell you.
I'll compromise with you, as if I weren't already being generous enough. Provide 10 lines of feedback and I'll answer more questions about the phrase.
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 3 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,711
@previous (A)
Nope. Im no longer helping
When you humiliate yourself, remember that all you had to do was explain one line
Nope. Im no longer helping
When you humiliate yourself, remember that all you had to do was explain one line
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 4 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,712
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 58 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,717
@1,226,690 (J)
Took your advice and now I'm back.
It's not climate controlled, everyone out there is on their way somewhere else and can't stop to chat, and I got some mud on my shoes.
I think I'll stay inside fag.
Took your advice and now I'm back.
It's not climate controlled, everyone out there is on their way somewhere else and can't stop to chat, and I got some mud on my shoes.
I think I'll stay inside fag.
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,719
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 1 minute later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,720
@1,226,717 (I)
> Took your advice and now I'm back.
No you didn't. No you aren't.
> It's not climate controlled, everyone out there is on their way somewhere else and can't stop to chat, and I got some mud on my shoes.
Yes it is. No they aren't. No you didn't.
> I think I'll stay inside fag.
No you don't.
> Took your advice and now I'm back.
No you didn't. No you aren't.
> It's not climate controlled, everyone out there is on their way somewhere else and can't stop to chat, and I got some mud on my shoes.
Yes it is. No they aren't. No you didn't.
> I think I'll stay inside fag.
No you don't.
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 35 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,721
Anonymous I replied with this 2 years ago, 15 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,722
@1,226,720 (A)
You're really good with language, how did you get so good? You must have studied for many years.
You're really good with language, how did you get so good? You must have studied for many years.
Anonymous H replied with this 2 years ago, 39 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,723
Anonymous H double-posted this 2 years ago, 35 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,724
100get
Anonymous J replied with this 2 years ago, 16 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,731
LOL everyone in this thread thinks they are talking to the wrong person
Anonymous A (OP) replied with this 2 years ago, 6 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,732
Anonymous A (OP) double-posted this 2 years ago, 23 seconds later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,733
Anonymous F replied with this 2 years ago, 2 minutes later, 1 day after the original post[^] [v] #1,226,736
Anonymous K joined in and replied with this 2 months ago, 2 years later, 2 years after the original post[^] [v] #1,404,034
Anonymous L joined in and replied with this 2 months ago, 16 hours later, 2 years after the original post[^] [v] #1,404,183
@OP
> My novel, currently untitled, is 132,000 words. I'm interested in getting feedback for the first few pages.
>
> I’m not much for summaries; I always prefer for a text to speak for itself, but you asked for one on your website, so here it goes:
>
> The novel features love, betrayal, and a world beyond our own. Miss Lee, a conflicted individual who cannot lie, finds herself and her partner in a world of lies where truth itself appears to be only an illusion. Supernatural, or delusional, who really is to say?
I didn't even read your full post. Here's my feedback--it sucks
> My novel, currently untitled, is 132,000 words. I'm interested in getting feedback for the first few pages.
>
> I’m not much for summaries; I always prefer for a text to speak for itself, but you asked for one on your website, so here it goes:
>
> The novel features love, betrayal, and a world beyond our own. Miss Lee, a conflicted individual who cannot lie, finds herself and her partner in a world of lies where truth itself appears to be only an illusion. Supernatural, or delusional, who really is to say?
I didn't even read your full post. Here's my feedback--it sucks
Red Creme !Ep8pui8Vw2 joined in and replied with this 2 months ago, 23 hours later, 2 years after the original post[^] [v] #1,404,402
1/10 Not enough useage of nigger.Observe true writing talent and emulate it.
(Edited 15 seconds later.)
Anonymous N joined in and replied with this 2 months ago, 6 days later, 2 years after the original post[^] [v] #1,405,666
Too boringAnonymous O joined in and replied with this 2 months ago, 1 hour later, 2 years after the original post[^] [v] #1,405,671
For 2 years, I've been trying to understand this...
> He smiled at her and smiled
> He smiled at her and smiled